Cliff says he might be dead this time next year

In an astounding revelation, singer Sir Cliff Richard has revealed he's feeling his age (84) and might be dead this time next year.  Like many 84-year-olds.  Also like, admittedly fewer, 64-year-olds with the statistical odds increasing year-on-year until you reach 84.  Then, those that wake up alive on their 85th birthday have to admit there is a reduced probability they will survive to age 86.  But it is true Sir Cliff may wake up dead one day in the next twelve months.

Growing older is admittedly shit, but there are worse things in life.  Like a Cliff Richard concert or, God forbid, a new album.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Caring MP takes perfect moral stance on the right to die

Dear dumb constituent,

Thank you for your dumb email asking me to spell out my position on people's choice to die.

I will be giving the bill for a rolling ban on tobacco sales my whole-hearted support. This is because I think it is wrong to let people kill themselves over a long period of time by ingesting a toxic substance.

I will also be voting for the Assisted Dying Bill. That is because I think it is right to let people kill themselves suddenly, with a chocolate laced with poison which has been placed tastefully on a pillow in a hospice bedroom.

I see no inconsistency in these two moral positions, but that is because I am a very busy and ambitious MP and don't have time to think about morals.

The only difference I can see is that some people enjoy smoking tobacco. That in itself is a reason for Parliament to ban it. But who is to say that smokers wouldn't enjoy taking something far more dangerous, with a very much stronger kick?

So next time, don't light that post-coital cigarette. Instead, swallow something laced with strychnine from the Milk Tray selection, and die satisfied.

And don't forget to vote for me in the next election, dumbo - that's if you insist on living that long.

Signed,

Your caring MP

Image: Yaopey Yong (@yaopey) | Unsplash Photo Community