Jason Statham Kicks Own Arse

Another celebrity guest on Joe Rogan has inadvertently courted mockery when, in a fit of excitement, action star Jason Statham beat himself to a pulp live on air.

He was on the show to promote his latest action movie, "Death Pigeon," when Rogan joked that there was no one tougher than him. A visibly excited Jason responded by saying, "Watch this!" and proceeded to throw chairs on himself and hurl himself down a set of nearby stairs.

A female studio assistant attempted to prevent the violence escalating, but was repelled by the testosterone fumes.

After the brutal self-assault, Statham was left barely conscious and drifting in and out of an American accent.

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The Tale of Piddington Bear

The British film industry today announced the release of the heartwarming Tale of Piddington Bear.

Based on the much loved Paddington films, but updated to reflect contemporary attitudes, Piddington tells the story of an orphaned bear from darkest Peru. Like Paddington, he’s named after the place where he arrives in the UK, in this case a small Oxfordshire village.

But whereas Paddington was welcomed with open arms by a warm and loving community, with only the almost certainly Reform-voting Mr Curry hostile to him, Piddington is immediately seen as a threat.

One scene has an outraged local telling TV news crews - “I used to let my son walk the dog in the park. I won’t be able to do that no more. Not now there’s someone foreign around.” Strangely she ignores the fact that the newcomer is a bear, a large carnivorous apex predator which is likely to make him far more of a threat to boy and dog than merely being from abroad.

In the end the village is so angry it votes to secede from the UK, following which the Prime Minister declares it a “safe third country” and starts deporting failed asylum seekers there, prompting the mayor to say, 'Bloody hell, we didn’t think that through.'

photo: Newsbiscuit Archive

Sawn-off t-shirt leads to film role for UK’s Draper

British tennis number one, Jack Draper is to star in a sequel to Waterworld, the 1995 post-apocalyptic classic directed by and starring Kevin Costner. Wearing his menacing sleeveless black t-shirt and matching black shorts and socks, Draper will play Deacon, the demonic character played by Dennis Hopper in the original film. Deacon heads up the Smokers, a pirate gang who travel the earth on motorised aqua-bikes looking for land on which to play tennis.

'It’s a total change of direction for me,' Draper told reporters. 'A casting director approached me at Eastbourne and said she really liked my look. Next minute I’ve got this script in my hand, and I’m trying out an aqua-bike at Pinewood, and yeah, it’s all crazy but cool too.'

The movie deal explains Jack Draper's non-appearance at Wimbledon this year. Waterworld 2 will also star Annabel Croft as the love interest. Croft is expected to reprise her Strictly success and waltz around the bouncy bit of Kevin Costner’s make-shift trimaran with Cam Norrie. Norrie will play Costner’s character, the Mariner, who sails the world looking for a tennis tournament that a Brit can actually win.

Image credit: ChatGPT