Oscars leads to world peace...again

Four hours of performative nonsense has managed to end all wars, but not in the way you expect. It's not the rampant narcissism we like, it's seeing the pretendy people sit through it and then lose. Their fixed grins and insincere applause are an absolute boon.

For every winner there is of course three losers, which satisfyingly means plenty of upset Hollywood elites. Those tears and tantrums have a calming property for normal people. Seeing their pain just makes everyone else feel happy. There is no human suffering that can match losing best song for the 17th time.

One director commented. "Someone suggested that seeing Timothée Chalamet humiliated was the world healing itself. That's not true - but it is funny."

Image credit: Wix AI

Fast & Furious Grand Theft Auto Top Gear mash-up planned

In what is thought to be a unique media mash-up combining gaming software, Hollywood and low rent BBC programming, a major blockbuster movie is being planned for a Christmas release.

Featuring Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson teaming up with Vin Diesel, who has recently converted to full EV and will henceforth be called EVin Not Diesel. It will see the duo hot wiring top end sports cars while Jeremy Clarkson, recently reunited with the BBC, Hammy Hammond and, thanks to a typo in the contracts department, Brian May, critique the cars and the driving, all set to a Queen soundtrack.

The film will be released in cinemas and on Betamax at a date to be determined.

Photo by Alex Suprun on Unsplash

Rotten Tomatoes proscribed as a terrorist website

With the obviously flawed evaluation of 'Melania' on the website dedicated to providing obviously flawed evaluations of brilliant films, the Trump administration has taken steps to close down Rotten Tomatoes, claiming it is run by 'domestic terrorists'.

'Some of the so-called reviewers are obviously communists,' said a spokesman for the President.  'The rest are just FAKE,' he added, refusing to clarify if they are fake reviewers, or just fake something else.  Fake communists, maybe?

The part of the internet that Rotten Tomatoes sits in has been raided by ICE agents and all the ones and noughts making it operate have been deported.  

'The President added up the ones and noughts we arrested, using his amazing math skills, and totalled 83.  Apparently there were more noughts than ones,' explained an aide.  'He has calculated that Truth Social adds up to eleventeen million with no noughts,' he added.  'And Truth Social gave Melania twelve stars out of ten'.

Image credit: deep dream generator, edited in Wix