Boris weighs resignation options

Boris has been thinking long and hard about the circumstances in which he would stay on and in which he would resign. Being found guilty of murder is almost certainly a resignation issue, as are any treason offences (high, medium or low).

Things that are not to be resigned over include fixed penalty notices, speeding fines, littering, sounding horn in a built up area after 10pm, shoplifting, breaches of the peace, pieces of the breeches, breaches of the ministerial code, mendacity, repetition, hesitation, repetition and deviation (up to a point).

The grey areas - might resign, might not - include the bodily harms (actual, grievous), assault (common, with a deadly weapon), bigamy, trigamy, failure to pay maintenance.

Finalising these lists is subject to further work with focus groups.

Capitalising on Sir David Amess' death to be privatised

Figures show that by 2024, 80% of all shameless ghouls will have cashed in on the MPs murder. This includes ministers forcing through legislation that had nothing to do with his death while trying to sell terrorist-themed travel mugs and mouse mats.

Explained one MP: 'If you have a pet project, now is the time to piggyback on this awful incident. I want more chopped cabbage, so I'll be introducing 'David's Slaw'. A colleague is concerned about arthritic hands, so will propose 'David's Claw'. Another is an advocate for more pelvic exercises, 'David's Floor'.

Even his beloved Southend claimed that what he wanted was for it to be given city status, but an actual friend replied: 'Actually David would have preferred not to have been killed'.

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