Left wing firebrand Leon 'Jeremy' Corbsky has been found murdered, an ice-axe buried in his skull, at the hacienda in Mexico where he was in hiding.
Though no one has claimed responsibility, few doubt his murder was ordered by party General Secretary Josef 'Keir' Starmlin, of whom Corbsky had become a persistent critic in recent times.
The two had been comrades-in-arms in the early days of the Glorious People's Revolution of 1997. It was at this time Starmlin adopted his famous nom de guerre, most often translated as 'man of plastic' though its literal meaning is 'Ken doll'.
However, the power struggle following the fall of Blairnin saw the two become bitter enemies over policy differences, Corbsky arguing for an immediate seizure of the means of production, distribution and exchange, Starmlin promising to 'consider' abolishing the charitable status of private schools.
Matters came to a head when Starmlin declared in a speech to party commissars that Corbsky could no longer stand as a Party candidate. On hearing the news, Corbsky fled his beloved North Islington, pausing only to ask his brother Piers to look after his allotment while he was away.
Sources close to Corbsky say he was terrified that if he stayed he'd be sent to Siberia, i.e. south of the river, forced to live in conditions so harsh you can't even get a decent flat white or gluten-free tartiflette.
Corbsky's murder leaves Starmlin free to extend his reign of terror over the nation, and possibly increase higher rate income tax by one percent.
First published 26 Feb 2023
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