Capitalising on Sir David Amess' death to be privatised

Figures show that by 2024, 80% of all shameless ghouls will have cashed in on the MPs murder. This includes ministers forcing through legislation that had nothing to do with his death while trying to sell terrorist-themed travel mugs and mouse mats.

Explained one MP: 'If you have a pet project, now is the time to piggyback on this awful incident. I want more chopped cabbage, so I'll be introducing 'David's Slaw'. A colleague is concerned about arthritic hands, so will propose 'David's Claw'. Another is an advocate for more pelvic exercises, 'David's Floor'.

Even his beloved Southend claimed that what he wanted was for it to be given city status, but an actual friend replied: 'Actually David would have preferred not to have been killed'.

First published 21 Oct 2021

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Christa Pike immortalised as Marvel superhero

Christa Pike, the Tennessee woman the authorities seem unable to kill, is to be immortalised as a new superhero in the Marvel comic-book pantheon.

Pike, who has been on death row for 30 years following her conviction for the murder of a classmate, was twice subjected to lethal injection. Both times she came round asking herself whether this tableau of doctors and lawmen with their mouths hanging open could really be the afterlife.

After a frantic debate, those present decided it was their constitutional duty to provide medical care for Pike, at least until she was well enough for them to try and kill her again.

'Obviously her superpower will be that she can’t be killed,' explained comic book nerd Dwight Scabies. 'Not with poison, anyhow. Though I guess if they ever write a story where she’s released from prison, maybe gun violence or the American diet will get her.'

Severely brain-damaged and dependent on artificial aids to maintain even the most basic sentient activity, Donald Trump is nevertheless President of the United States.

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'Ann shudda taken the £5M', says Reform insider

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