Kwarteng hoping for more ‘killer nurse’ stories

Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng has everything crossed that the trial of Lucy Letby is a long, sensational one. The case of the paediatric nurse accused of murdering babies has knocked the economy off the front pages of most newspapers, at least for a day.

'Kwasi's hoping for a child trapped down a well, a serial killer or an alien invasion', a spokesman said. 'Obviously, a happy ending would be a bonus – child found safe and well, serial killer sent to prison, aliens only eat poor people, that sort of thing – but he’d take a catastrophe right now, as long as it wasn’t the economy.

'We tried fracking', the spokesman said, 'but couldn't get it going quickly enough to trigger an earthquake. Ooh, do you think Putin might use nukes? That should cover the weekend, at least.'

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Russian oil chief dies in fall from hospital window trying to get a view of Salisbury Cathedral

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Boris weighs resignation options

Boris has been thinking long and hard about the circumstances in which he would stay on and in which he would resign. Being found guilty of murder is almost certainly a resignation issue, as are any treason offences (high, medium or low).

Things that are not to be resigned over include fixed penalty notices, speeding fines, littering, sounding horn in a built up area after 10pm, shoplifting, breaches of the peace, pieces of the breeches, breaches of the ministerial code, mendacity, repetition, hesitation, repetition and deviation (up to a point).

The grey areas - might resign, might not - include the bodily harms (actual, grievous), assault (common, with a deadly weapon), bigamy, trigamy, failure to pay maintenance.

Finalising these lists is subject to further work with focus groups.