"Zadok the Priest" in line for Ivor Novello award

George Frideric Handel could win a prestigious songwriting award, a mere 296 years after the song was released.

The composer’s “Zadok the Priest”, written in 1727 for George IV’s coronation, has experienced a major resurgence in popularity, in the run up to Charles III’s coronation. It's now been shortlisted in the "most performed song" category at the Ivor Novello Awards, which celebrate outstanding writing and composition.

Government Minister for Antediluvian Nostalgia, Jacob Rees-Mogg, said, “I am delighted with such a choice which celebrates both British ingenuity and mercantile success”. However, this statement was later withdrawn when it was pointed out that Handel was a German immigrant and that the lyrics mentioned “Nathan the Prophet”, not “Profit”.

Attempts to contact Mr Handel’s ghost have been hampered by a shortage of Ouija boards, which have been commandeered by Government for the next round of the budget cycle.

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Record collectors desperately seek 12", 78 rpm discs

'Those modern, vinyl things lose the essential details of the music' explained dedicated collector Anna Wragg from the Isle of Wight 'and lack the subtlety and detail which is present in proper, traditional gramophone records. You see, proper records were made of shellack, an organic material, and sold in paper sleeves. Those later things were made of vinyl, a nasty industrial chemical product, which is too smooth to properly reproduce the background noise and hiss which was present in the studio or concert hall when the music was recorded.'

'Those vinyl things also suffered from cost-cutting, by only revolving at 33-1/3 rpm instead of 78 rpm, less than half the speed, and therefore too slowly to be able to fully reproduce the very fast, high-pitched notes. There was even more cost-cutting, by squashing more than 3 or 4 minutes recording on each side, and they did that by making the grooves smaller.'

'That was a further disaster of course. Smaller grooves meant the needle in the gramophone's pick-up arm didn't move so such and only produced a tiny, almost inaudible sound which had to be amplified electrically before more than one person at a time could hear it. And that inevitably added lots of distortion. You only have to listen to the BBC Home Service or the Light Programme on 1,500 metres long wave, or to Radio Luxemburg on 208 metres medium wave on a wireless set to realise how much distortion electricity always causes.'

'The only thing is, proper shellac gramophone records were brittle and broke if you sat on them or even dropped them. Which makes them scarce and valuable, unlike those vinyl things which were were mass-produced in hundreds - sometimes even in thousands - and are therefore worth next-to-nothing now.'

'Mind you, even discs were a poor substitute for the best recording system ever. Because the discs are circular, the groove has to go round in a curved, spiral pattern and even worse, one where the curve gets tighter towards the end of the tune. Basic geometry will show that this inevitably introduces a degree of distortion.

You never had this problem with the highest-quality recording system ever, phonograph cylinders. Perfect, distortion-less music, albeit in brief episodes between fitting, exchanging and re-mounting each successive cylinder. And packing, storing and transporting them was a bit more awkward than the later thin, flat round things. But one brilliant advantage, you didn't have to put up with any crappy 'B' sides!

Image: Pixabay/WOKANDAPIX

Stevie Wonder’s part-time lover wins equal rights

A part-time lover of Stevie Wonder was celebrating today after a court ruled she was entitled to equal treatment with the singer’s first wife.

Mandy Myers, a regular lover of Wonder during the height of his fame in the 1980s, argued that she had been denied a range of benefits enjoyed by his wife, including a shared house and basic levels of interaction and respect.

‘The facts of this case are well-known, through the surprisingly open statement made by Wonder about his extra-marital arrangements on his groundbreaking Square Circle album in 1985,’ noted the judge in the case.

‘Miss Myers always had to play second fiddle. After a seemingly pleasant evening of lovemaking, Wonder would regularly sit bolt upright and screech at her to leave his house, saying only, ‘Call up, ring once, and hang up the phone, to let me know you made it home,’ noted the judge. ‘Amazing vocal range, but he needs to work on his bedside manner.’

In court, the jury heard 10 instances of the singer referring to Miss Myers as his ‘part-time lover’ as the 7 inch version of the song was played to the court, but they were mercifully spared the 36 mentions on the extended 12-inch version.

Under the terms of the settlement, Wonder will be obliged to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ each year to Myers. He must also tell her regularly that She is The Sunshine of His Life, and will be required to call her up spontaneously, To Say That He Loves Her, and that he Means it From the Bottom of his Heart.

‘I’m delighted to be able to bring justice here,’ reported the Judge to assembled media. ‘All that remains is for me to add my name to the verdict, put it in an envelope, take it across to the courthouse office, and make myself available for any other similar cases. Signed, Sealed, Delivered. I’m Yours.’

Image: Pixabay/succo