Three held on charges of historic crimes against music

Following a raid at an address in Manchester, it’s understood three men have been arrested by police and are being questioned regarding historic crimes against music. The investigation dates back to the mid-1980s.

Greater Manchester Police has not named the men but its widely believed that they are Mike Stock, Matt Aitken, and Pete Waterman, the three shadowy masterminds behind PWL. A record label that saw Kylie Minogue, Jason Donovan and Bananarama rise to fame, all singing the same bloody song over and over and over again.

Professor of Contemporary Music at Imperial College, Martin Emerson, explains: ‘Nearly every one of these songs consisted of the same chords, in the same key, at the same tempo, and all used the same instrumentation and an effing drum machine playing an identical pattern. Quite honestly, the repetitive nature of their output made Status Quo sound groundbreaking and innovative.’

It’s believed that one act signed to the label, Rick Astley, who only managed to escape their clutches by pretending to go and make some tea during a marathon 72 hour recording session, has now decided to blow the whistle and will be instrumental in providing evidence in any forthcoming action to be brought against the three.

When approached by BBC’s Panorama, former antipodean heartthrob, Jason Donovan, was remaining tight-lipped, but pop princess, Minogue, did make a brief statement. ‘You’d like me to tell you about what it was like working for PWL? Yeah right. You should be so lucky!’

Image: Pixabay/Pexels

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www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 2 Oct 2021

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Israel claims Palestine was playing tinny music from its phone

The all-out annihilation of Palestine - ideally accompanied by the death of all Palestinians - can now proceed with an active chorus of international approval, after the Israeli government claimed that Palestine was listening to tinny versions of Ibiza anthems from its phone speaker whilst on the bus.

One Netanyahu apologist added, 'Asking them to put headphones on is only giving the terrorists what they want. The only logical response to this moderately rude behaviour is the total destruction of Gaza, the annexation of the West Bank and the killing of every Palestinian man woman and child.

'Now that we've made up this obvious lie, we can really accelerate the slaughtering. Hooray! From the river, to the sea, from tinny tunes, we shall be free.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Scientists hope they can drive Asian hornets mad with 125.25Hz sound

Musician scientists, who found that Asian hornets nests produce a 125Khz sound, are hoping that a near frequency will create a beat that the hornets will regard as a threat, in the same way the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra was able to dispense with poorly tuned banjos.

Entomologist, Dick Scratcher told Newsbiscuit, that we might be surprised by how many insects are born with perfect pitch; and just like humans, they find it irritating when pop musicians struggle to hit the right note. He cited the instance when a Wings concert was halted after Paul McCartney said his mike wasn’t working; and a roadie exchanged it with the one his wife was using, which few outside etymology, appreciate, halted the 1975 insect riots.

Scientists hope that by playing a racket slightly out of tune with the ones Hornets make, it will encourage them to express their musicality in other lands in the way that Punk musicians never did.

Photo by Bob Brewer on Unsplash