Proclaimers hurt by lack of interest in reunion tour

Craig and Charlie Reid, the twin brothers who make up novelty pop/folk group The Proclaimers, say they’re frankly depressed by the lack of interest in their reunion tour.

'What more can we do?' asked Craig, or possibly Charlie. 'We havenae released an album since 2022, so that’s kind of like the band splitting up… sort of … and now we’re getting back together and going on tour. Why aren’t people selling their kidneys to get tickets? Though to be honest, there’s no need, they’re really quite reasonably priced…'

'That’s right,” agreed Charlie, or possibly Craig. “And we’re touring everywhere - Dundee, Ullapool, the Isle of Muck - so it’s nae like people would have to travel far.'

The brothers consulted Edinburgh-based PR consultancy Bemused Kumquat, who suggested that perhaps if their lifestyles were a bit more rock’n’roll. “Like if you two had a massive falling out, and it all got very ugly and public… any chance of that?”

The two brothers looked at each other uncertainly, until one of them said, 'There was that time we were watching telly and I finished a packet of Tunnock’s Tea Cakes without asking him if he wanted the last one. That created a pretty tense atmosphere, I can tell you. He didnae speak to me for a while. Though to be honest, I think he was engrossed in ‘Take The High Road’.'

Photo by Rob Laughter on Unsplash

The great wait is over - Pinky and Perky announce reunion.

After days of speculation, Pinky and Perky have finally announced they will be reuniting to play a series of concerts across the UK. Tickets go on sale on Saturday, and demand is expected to be high among excited fans who have waited decades for the sensational singing duo to reunite.

Pinky and Perky were massively successful during the 1950s and 60s, before their shock split in 1971 following an altercation backstage at Blackpool’s North Pier Theatre. Pinky explained a few years later that during an argument, Perky had tried to attack him with an 8-track recorder. Sources close to the duo said that problems had been brewing for some time before the incident, and tensions were fuelled by both Pinky and Perky being heavily addicted to helium gas, which they used to help them achieve their distinctive sound.

No one knows why Pinky and Perky have decided to reunite now, although of course the tour will generate a lot of money for the duo, and Pinky has recently had to pay a massive divorce settlement to his ex-wife, Miss Piggy,

Story by Scribbles

Idiot still likening Oasis to The Beatles

Oasis, not united brotherly love but their need for a pension, have put aside their artistic differences and mutual hatred, for one last cash grab. Unfortunately, several gormless individuals still think they are musical geniuses rather than just an irritating nasal twang.

One rock historian pointed out: ‘They are not comparable. The Beatles sold over 600 million records, while Oasis got a fruity drink named after them. The Beatles had 21 US No1s, while Oasis used to busk outside a McDonald’s. The Beatles changed the 60s, Oasis have not changed their haircut since the 90s.’

The only thing guaranteed is that they will be as $hit second time around. Despite all this, one middle-aged Brit-Popper declared: ‘They were the Taylor Swift of my generation’ – which proves the point.

Photo by Efe Yağız Soysal on Unsplash