God has posted a missing persons report to the Metropolitan police after realising that the scheduled Second Coming hasn't happened. 'I knew there was a problem when He didn't phone home - He had agreed to let it ring three times,' God said today. Despite the Second Coming being anticipated year after year after year for approximately two thousand years, acolytes seemingly didn't notice it hadn't occurred yet again.
A spokesman from the Metropolitan Police confirmed it was investigating a missing person, but refused to confirm whether a dusky-skinned young man without recognised ID had been arrested and had been scheduled to be deported to Rwanda. A solicitor acting for the man read a prepared statement, which said, 'Christ, I've been crucified. Again. I don't mind Rwanda so much, but please don't ever make me talk t Braverman one more time'.