Defenestrated Russian sausage tycoon 'died of natural causes'

A Russian sausage tycoon and senior politician in Vladimir Putin's government has 'gone missing' in a fall from a hotel window in India. Local police chief Alexsei Ivanov concluded within moments that there were no suspicious circumstances.

'This sort of thing happens all of the time,' reassured Ivanov, 'particularly at Savaloy Palace Hotels around the world. All causes are clearly natural and there is nothing to investigate. Especially considering that another member of his party misplaced his life a couple of days ago at the same hotel. When it comes to odd things happening to sausage tycoons, we never find any links.'

A dubious eyewitness indicated that the tycoon screamed 'chipolataaaaaaaagh!' all of the way down, before vanishing completely, or walking away unharmed. 'I think he failed to grasp the gravity of his situation,' said the witness, before stepping back into an improbable shadow.

A second dubious eyewitness emerged from the same improbable shadow to report, 'I am just on holiday to visit the 123 metre high Savaloy Palace Hotel with my manfriend who is also not gay.'

The always truthful, dependable and credible Kremlin clarified that the tycoon is alive and well, has disappeared in unmysterious circumstances, and also never existed. 'Several tycoons have died. Five at a push,' said a senior Kremlin spokesman. 'We cannot be expected to take care of every billionaire who has criticised Vladimir Putin The Great's special activities in the Russian State of Ukraine, and then suddenly never existed. And we certainly don't look for windows of opportunity.'

Hat tips to: Jack the Quipper, Myke, Ron Cawleyoni, SteveB

Long, cold, silent, breezy fart on toilet this morning still a mystery

Science still has no explanation for what happened on the toilet earlier. A breezy fart wafted out, but it is an unfathomable mystery as to why it was surprisingly cold. Anything emanating from the body is supposed to be warm, unless recent consumption of curry has taken place, in which case hot could be a descriptor. And also ringystingy.

But cold? Never cold. Surely? There is strong evidence to suggest one is not dead inside. And all other farts in other circumstances have been in the warm to upper warm range historically. Today is reasonably mild, so it can't be that. One thing is for certain, not a soul is to learn of this because, well, that could be highly embarrassing.

Image: Pixabay/jarmoluk

Greatest mystery of Easter revealed to be 'Man's interest in snooker'

The millennia-long fascination with the Christian resurrection story has been eclipsed as the greatest Easter mystery by a Retford man's inexplicable interest in the World Championship Snooker tournament on TV, his exasperated wife has confirmed.

Mike McBride will spend at least 12 hours each day for the next fortnight watching players he has mostly never heard of and has little interest in, hitting balls of different colours around a 12x6 table.

'Explaining how a mortal could feed 5000 people with a couple of loaves and some old bits of pollock, and how someone can emerge from a locked tomb after being dead for 3 days are a piece of piss compared to comprehending Mike's interest for 2 weeks in the 'green baize' said his wife Sarah.

'He never mentions snooker all year, ut suddenly on Easter Saturday, he's telling me how Barry Hawkins is always difficult to beat in matchplay and how the nap of the table at the Crucible Theatre makes it hard to judge stun with the spider....I mean, what the hell does any of that actually mean?'.

'Miracles? Let me tell you, if I hear John Virgo tell me one more time that Ding Junhui has a 'shot to nothing' here, it will be a sodding miracle if I don't go up to Sheffield and shove a cue up his baulk cushion. He'll be needing snookers after that.'

'Oh, did you just see O'Sullivan caress that long blue into the corner pocket playing left-handed?', said Mike excitedly from his settee. 'God really does move in mysterious ways'.