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National Trust blasts feckless oiks

The National Trust has blasted 'feckless oiks' for failing to visit its properties.


Visitor numbers are well down at National Trust properties and the organisation faces a perfect storm of rising wages, rising energy costs, visitors reducing their travel because of petrol costs, and a growing disinterest in dingy oil paintings, looted artefacts and overpriced scones.


'They bloody well should come,' shouted Major Reginald 'The Bastard' Phipps-Nuttington. 'The landed gentry built this country and the least the feckless oiks can do is come and pay homage, to see what they could have if they worked bloody hard or married into the the right family. No-one respects people of quality any more. Bloody disgrace. Turning up with their Thermos flasks and their tupperware. Cheapskates!'


An oily PR executive attempted to smooth things over. 'The Trust holds valuable historic assets for the benefit of everyone, and provides solid, well paid jobs for the idiot children of the aristocracy. These days we are extremely PC, right on, and woke - pro-diversity, anti-slavery and so on. Just don't mention hunting.


'So it is everyone's responsibility to visit, to pay the entrance fees and the car park fees, to buy expensive jam, wine and fudge, and to keep the flag flying. I for one don't want to retrain in Search Engine Optimisation.'


A feckless oik said, 'I've had enough of being ripped off by the National Trust They only want my money to pay for roof repairs and oily PR executives. Their scones are no better than Lidl's. I'm not having it. I'm spending my money on Go Ape or an Escape Room and a bottomless brunch. That's way better value than watching ageing volunteers planting out weeds in a walled garden.



National Trust to acquire Kray twins' childhood home

Traditionalists are up in arms as the National Trust negotiates to acquire the house in East London where the Kray twins grew up.


‘The National Trust is supposed to take on stately homes when the landed gentry fall on hard times,’ spluttered an ageing military type. ‘The family continues to live in one wing, and the garden gets opened to the hoi polloi.  And the Trust opens a café and a shop and makes a fortune from selling overpriced baked potatoes and plants that might be from the gardens, but actually came from a wholesaler in Wigan.


‘The National Trust shouldn’t be celebrating the criminal underworld and the black economy and the lower classes. It’s political correctness gone mad.’


A spokesman for the Trust defended the decision.  He said, ‘Some very big blokes turned up at the meeting, and they explained in considerable detail what might accidentally happen if we didn’t make a generous offer for the house.  All those present agreed that the cultural significance and historical perspectives were absolutely aligned with the Trust's values, and that we were keen to buy, even at the slightly challenging price that we were quoted.  And, in addition, everyone was quite keen to keep all their fingers.'


If the acquisition by the National Trust goes through, displays in the house will include a timeline of the Kray twins' illustrious careers, with signposting to organisations offering support with mental health issues.  Victims of the Krays will be recruited as stewards to give an authentic visitor experience. There will be a small exhibition of the Kray twins' little known collection of Japanese sashiko embroidery and some of their weaponry.  A Trust spokesman said that, in keeping with the theme, admission charges to the house will be ‘criminal’.


The attraction will be marketed with an affectionate take-off of the Bob Hoskins gangster film ‘The Long Good Friday’, provisionally titled ‘The Long Bank Holiday Monday’.


image from Google Gemini


National Trust suspends Keir Starmer's membership

The National Trust has voted to suspend Prime Minister Keir Starmer over his role in increasing National Insurance contributions.


Members of the organisation, one of the UK's largest, also overwhelmingly voted to re-examine its relationship with Labour over the issue.  They said Sir Keir had been suspended for bringing the organisation into disrepute, after the National Trust was forced to make 550 people redundant because of the extra costs of employers' national insurance and the minimum wage.


There was some confusion over Sir Keir’s membership of the National Trust. Number 10 claimed that he was no longer a member and had made the difficult decision to resign and cancelled his direct debit months ago, and therefore could not be suspended.


Number 10 remained tight lipped on various wild claims that Sir Keir was unhappy with Trust policies on fox hunting, slavery, colonialism, its relationships its with tenant farmers, car parking charges, and the price of scones.



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