97% of Russian army in Ukraine - hmm, what's NATO got on this weekend?

NATO officials state that there's 'nothing to see here' as they decide to play war games on the Russian border. 'We play war games all the time - in the US, on Salisbury Plain, in South Germany; so we just felt it would be fun to amass about a thousand spare tanks on the Russian border about five hundred miles north of the Russian/Ukraine border. We've been playing "spot the 3%" today and think we know where about 2.97% of it is,' said an American five-star general.

'We're not war-mongering, we're just on a day trip,' suggested a British Major. 'Belarus looks interesting, might pop over with a brigade or two later.'

All NATO commanders have ruled out nipping into St Petersburg - until Wednesday at least. As the tanks revved up the commanders were apologetic at cutting the interview short. 'As they say around here, Moscow,' said one commander.

Image: Pixabay/fotshot

First published 17 Feb 2023

www.newsbiscuit.com

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Polar Bears Seek EU Membership

Polar bears, the iconic leviathans of the Arctic, have decided to apply for membership in the European Union. The move comes amid rapidly rising tension in the planet's far north.

'Let's face it, we're kind of caught in the middle up here,' said Nanuq, Chairbear of the Polar Council, the bears' governing body. 'On one side we have a megalomaniacal dictator seeking to expand his territory by wholly unjustified brute force, and on the other there's Putin.'

Nanuq noted that the Council debated whether to seek NATO membership but concluded that 'the Bloated Orange Biped' would present an insurmountable obstacle. However, Nanuq seemed crestfallen when informed by a reporter that the EU in fact has no armed forces directly at its disposal. 'Well then what bloody good are they?' she sighed. 'I suppose we should have had someone read up on this before our vote.'

The polar bears' confusion comes as no surprise to Alfred Newman, Professor of Contemporary Ursine Affairs at the University of Svalbard. 'We offer the bears an annual seminar on understanding human politics, but we have yet to receive a single applicant,' he said. 'To be fair, I'd probably also rather be out hunting tasty seals than sitting through yet another dreary Zoom session.'

Image: Hans-Jurgen Mager (@hansjurgen007) | Unsplash Photo Community