Grateful UK celebrates Extra Long Easter Egg Buying Time

Due to Easter falling quite late this year, UK shoppers have been gifted the privilege of one of the longer Easter tat availability timelines. Based on Easter Eggs being slammed on the shelves at 6:00am Boxing Day, lucky consumers will be able to buy loosely egg-based chocolate treats for a whopping 115 days.

This is exactly what Jesus would have wanted.

Pretty much nearly a third of the year will have designated shopping aisles being filled with overpriced, over packaged confectionary. Thank God for that. Literally.

The most recent longest ever EAT (Egg Availability Timeline) was in 1943 and was deemed by chocolate manufactures (not Lindt) as a turning point in World War 2 leading to the destruction of Nazi ideology forever. With luck, history will repeat itself.

Image: PublicDomainPictures - Pixabay

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US of Eh? America added to its own Axis of Evil

Donald Trump knows that everyone loves a bad boy, so the USA is going double naughty.

American intelligence analysts have therefore listed the USA itself as part of the Axis of Evil. However, all American intelligence analysts are set to be fired after Elon Musk was too high on ketamine to remember how many Nazi salutes he had given.

One analyst sighed, 'Old Musky-pants could just have joined Fathers 4 Justice instead of this. He wears a leather jacket and is in his 50s, so he definitely has the vibe.'

Given the threat America poses to everyone, including America, Trump has ordered all major American cities that voted Democrat - which is essentially all of them - to be targeted by American nukes. That’s as long as Putin gives his permission.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Never Again*' *Terms & Conditions apply

'We, as a nation, make a solemn promise never to allow a genocide - unless we start it. Never will we permit a people to be persecuted in the name of religion or ethnicity - excluding non-whites that talk funny.

'We give thanks to all those who liberated Auschwitz - but not the Russians. We remember all the survivors - all except the left wing ones. And all Nazis will be persecuted - unless they can help us build bombs, run our corporations or give cheeky salutes on TV.

'We will uphold international law - almost never. Protect children - rarely. And use Holocaust Memorial events as a photo opportunity - every f$ckin time.'

Photo by 卡晨 on Unsplash