- deskpilot
- Aug 31, 2025
Streaming behemoth Netflix is to stop giving its in house movies conventional titles.
‘We don’t need to,’ said an executive, ‘because we sell all of our movies on star power. In future, our movies will have descriptive titles like ‘Action Thriller with Sean Bean and Dame Kiri Te Kanawa’ or ‘Weepy Sob Story with Pierce Brosnan and Queen Latifah.’
‘Our subscribers know that our movie offerings are driven solely by the movie stars. We don’t care about the script, the plot, the cinematography or anything else. It’s the stars that sell the movies. We can take any dumbass script, sign up some movie stars by waving a big cheque, and it's job done! No offence to Thursday Murder Club, obviously.
‘Now we won’t have to think up movie titles, and we won’t need focus groups to fuss over them.
‘There is an exception to this new rule. We plan to retain conventional titles for franchise movies. We will swoop in on any half-decent franchise if the Hollywood studios show any sign of weakness. If anyone is going to do Fast and Furious 77 or Rocky 101, then it will be us. In those cases, we can dispense with the stars because the title will sell the movie.
‘Critics say that, once the stars have faded from everyone’s memory, we will end up with a back catalogue of unwatchable movies. But we don’t care about that. We can always rent them out to the cheapo streaming channels like U&Cry or U&MacGregor. In the here and now, we need to sell more and more and more subscriptions until we’ve taken over the whole world, and crushed Apple TV into the dirt.’
Image: Tumisu - Pixabay
