NHS | NewsBiscuit 2/49

NHS cyber attack confirmed as being written on post-it notes

Throngsman
Aug 13

'We found the notes stuck inside the patient files, with all the important pages removed and just yellow sticker saying "pay £15Billion or you will never get Billy Jones' results back",' said an NHS security consultant today. 'There must have been thousands of files with the notes removed. Not all mentioned Billy, obvs.'

His colleague working across the desk on 111 cyber security confirmed that the back-up floppy disc had been 'waved over a magnet or something' and had the all-telling post-it note attached. 'We'd send everyone an email if we had an IT system,' said the consultant, 'and when I went to the semaphore cupboard to implement our fallback system, both flags had post-it notes on - totally unusable.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/

First published 13 Aug 2022

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Government makes new offer to junior doctors

deskpilot
Aug 13

The Health Secretary has said that he won't negotiate with doctors on pay, but that he can look at other areas, such as working conditions.

Wes Streeting is now expected to offer junior doctors a new service to help them find well paid jobs abroad.

'It's widely known that the NHS is losing doctors to other countries,' said a spokesman. 'Many doctors can double their salaries in Australia and benefit from better weather and better beaches, although the downsides include poisonous spiders and aggressive cricket fans.

'Our new government-backed scheme will help doctors who think they are underpaid to find a bigger paycheck. We aim to help the most militant and strike prone doctors to fulfil their potential by working somewhere else, like Gaza, perhaps. We reckon they'll miss the dynamic environment of the NHS, by which I mean too many patients, not enough doctors, and ever-changing policies.

We are happy to support this new service because our research shows that most doctors who go abroad will be back within two weeks. I wonder if Thomas Cook were the right people to do that work?'

Photo by Usman Yousaf on Unsplash

Prescott to offer free tooth extractions

Guest Author
Aug 11

Former deputy Prime Minister John 'Two Jabs' Prescott has offered to help reduce dire NHS Dentist waiting lists using his highly effective, no-nonsense procedure of punching voters squarely in the mush.

The erstwhile Labour heavyweight's offer comes at a time when only one in 10 NHS dental practices in UK are taking new patients for treatment under the health service, although nine out of 10 do still recommend this publication's patented Newspaste Gum & Tonic for all your other health requirements.

'He's good for anything slightly wobbly and you won't feel a thing for five to ten minutes after he's belted you,' promised the Yorkshire Slugger's manager. 'If it's not quite so loose then you might have to egg him first, and if it's really stuck in there then we've got Eric Cantona on call, but that's better if you need a few out, to be honest'.

A spokeswoman for Opposition Leader Kier Starmer dismissed the offer as 'another slap in the face for Joe Public' whilst conceding, 'It's good to know at least some members of the Labour Party aren't afraid of a good strike, even if it's directly to the jaw of the tax payer.'

Story: Pliskin