Health Secretary Steven Barclay has warned NHS workers they risk losing any future accolades and hand-claps of appreciation unless they end their pay dispute and get back to work immediately.
NHS staff should concentrate on saving people's lives and not waste their time standing on picket lines in the hope that government ministers might be listening to their unfair demands.
Barclay also warned front line staff that the Government was considering taking back all the hand-claps and saucepan bangs they received during lockdown.
‘Tens of thousands of ambulance workers, call handlers, paramedics, nurses and doctors could all be stripped of those hard won hand-claps,’ sneered a Department of Health spokes-Scrooge. ‘All that banging on saucepans, Boris standing on the doorstep of Number 10 beating his wok, showering workers with thanks for saving the nation …it will all have been for nothing. And what do they hope to gain from strike action? A few extra pounds in their pay-packets? Shorter working hours? Investment in the NHS? Reduced waiting times at A&E? Are they really prepared to lose all those wonderful hand-claps just for that? Christmas might well be the time for giving, but nurses will get nothing from us'.
The backbencher expressed outrage that these saucy minxes should be demanding a pay rise: ‘All they do is lounge around provocatively in A&E departments, delivering trays of patisserie while bending over in frilly knickers. And if they’re on strike, who is going to buff the Ming vase with an oversized feather duster or get chased by a randy vicar?’
According to the Health Department, nurses are technically the doctor’s butler and should only speak when spoken to. 78% of all staff are called Désirée and uniforms can only be made from mesh halter tops, with a titillating apron. Sadly, any industrial action by the nurses will seriously disrupt the queue time to see such a skimpy outfit.
Remarked Barry, 47, a nurse: ‘I’ve never dressed in make-believe fetish gear – not unless you count the fake PPE equipment the Government sold us.’