Boris Johnson is visiting Scotland for as little time as he can possibly get away with before too many Scottish people notice he is there and run him out of the country.
A Tory spokesman looked appalled at the prospect of travelling so far from Surrey:
‘How frightful! We are compelled to visit the wild, uncivilised, frozen north, Jocksville or Scotchland or whatever it’s called, in order to pretend we care about countries other than England. I want to assure the Tory base that we do not. I had assumed Scotchland was in Game of Thrones, not the UK. We’re gone as soon as the Prime Minister achieves his principle strategic objective of not meeting Nicola Sturgeon, but in a super-secret, super-clever, super-sophisticated way that she will not see coming.’
An SNP spokesman responded:
‘He’s going to ring the door bell and then run away. The only question is, will he be giggling? Ding dong, then leg it? Isn’t that how Boris treats most women? We know he’s a hyper-privileged man-child, prone to stunts and sulks, so we’ve covered the First Minister’s doorbell in raspberry jam and we’ve a bucket of gunge ready to go from an upstairs window.’
On being informed that Keir Starmer would also be visiting Scotland, the SNP spokesman looked pensive.
‘I know that name, wait, don’t tell me. No, it’s gone, sorry. I hope he has a nice time though, whoever he is.’