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Fury as Nicola Sturgeon retires to England

Speaking to a packed press conference she confessed that she had a beachside property near Hastings. Her aide confirmed: 'Scotland is cold and miserable - and that's it's best bits.'

Many in the Scottish Independence movement will have felt betrayed by her admission that Burns Night sounded like an evening spent in A&E. The aide said: 'Since leading the SNP, she's really struggled to understand the accent. Quite frankly, anyone from Glasgow is unintelligible.'

In a carefully worded statement, she confirmed that she never liked whiskey and felt that kilts were ridiculous. 'She's a big Arsenal fan and gets a nosebleed every time she goes north of the Watford Gap. Technically she will be supporting the independence movement, but this time from the right side of the border.'

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