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‘Nigel Day’ to be commemorated throughout the Empire



Following his heroic defence of the rights of the ordinary man against the banking sector, statues of Nigel Farage have started spontaneously appearing across the former British Empire.


‘Look at those thighs, he’s like a Greek god’ said Nadia, a housewife in Harare. ‘I wish he would come to Mumbai and take on our banks’ said Raj, a civil servant. ‘The man can do no wrong’.


The BBC are considering launching Channel Nigel, a light entertainment channel featuring re-runs of Love Thy Neighbour and Enoch Powell’s greatest speeches. ‘If he has his own channel we can probably stop making every news broadcast about Coutts bank’, a spokesman said. ‘But we won’t. It’s such a wonderful story’.


Fans of Nigel (not to be confused with Friends of Dorothy – very different demographic) have demanded the summary execution of the Coutts’ senior management team, which the bank says it is ‘considering’.


‘The tide’s turning’, said Reg, a local racist. ‘Thank God we’ve dealt with Coutts Bank. I thought the small boats were the nation’s number 1 challenge – just goes to show’. Reg, who lives just below the poverty line, watches GB News every day for updates on his hero's next challenge. 'I hope it's the you-know-whos'. Reg winked conspiratorially, before mouthing a string of racial slurs.


First Coutts is the deepest - high end banking is 'hotbed of Marxism'



Former stockbroker and Cameo’s Irish Republican spokesman Nigel Farage has bravely blown the whistle on the extreme left-wing cabal currently running the high end banking sector.


'It’s like Paris 1968 only more so' admitted one wealth fund manager, who unironically wore a Che Guevara t-shirt. 'Eat the rich. But not Nigel Farage. He isn’t rich enough, probably because Brexit made everyone poorer. What an absolutely extraordinary coincidence. There was no way to predict that, apart from almost every economist who predicted exactly that. We need to redistribute the wealth, man. And by redistribute the wealth I mean give more to the rich.'


Farage is said to have responded to his banking 'win' by wobbling his jowls in celebration, ordering a Guinness, and shouting "Up the 'Ra".




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