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A dark defection

-There was widespread shock and disbelief today as Satan announced that he was defecting from Hell.


'I know Hades has been the traditional Opposition to Heaven since time immemorial, but I didn’t really believe that our policies went far enough, and it felt like we were never going to get into power,” said the notorious fallen angel.


“Essentially we were just a rag-tag band of outrageous musicians, defrocked priests and ex-TV presenters,' continued the Dark Lord. 'It didn’t feel like we were a serious outfit actually prepared to take over the running of things. The idea of working with Nigel Farage, the Orange Anti-Christ emulator, and disgraced Tories whose sexual deviancy, dishonesty and venal corruption was too much even for the extreme-right of the Conservative Party to tolerate has been quite a temptation for rather a long time – and, as you know, temptation is my stock-in-trade.'


Polishing his trident, and with a glint in his eye, he added, 'But the opportunity to work with Robert Jenrick - the man who ordered the painting over of cartoon murals at a child asylum unit - lest they should make frightened and lonely children feel comforted - was just too good a chance to miss.'


He sat back in his throne and grimaced with satisfaction. 'So Reform felt like a natural – well, preternatural – move for me. Suella Braverman was just the icing on the cake.'



Image credit: perchance.org


Coming Soon to Channel Four


Channel Four has been watching the success of the Celebrity Traitors over the ordinary shitty-people-like-you-and-me version of The Traitors with much interest.  They are now to start televising a celebrity version of Naked Attraction.  Nigel Farage has already signed up, but there is a fee so of course he has.


Author: robfalconer


Farage spotted coming out of disguise shop


Nigel Farage is understood to have bought the entire stock of a London disguise shop for his new MPs. He couldn’t do it online as he doesn’t know how to use computers. That’s what he told the Standards Committee, anyway.


‘He’s bought a blonde wig for Suella’, a spokesman told us. ‘Bold choice. The voters will never remember she used to be a Tory. Robert Jenrick will dress up as the Childcatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. It’s a despised role, but still better than being Robert Jenrick. Plus the Childcatcher only imprisoned children, he didn’t paint over their cartoons.


‘Jonathan Gullis will be dressed in a monocle and mortar board to boost his perceived IQ into double figures. If we can tempt him off the tyre swing we should be okay. Nigel hasn’t bought a disguise for Nadine Dorries but he’s keeping her off the booze for a week – she’ll be unrecognisable’.


Danny Kruger will be dressed as Freddy Kreuger from Nightmare on Elm Street. The malevolent spirit who invades dreams and gives children nightmares is understood to be thrilled to be joining Reform.


The plan is to present Reform as some kind of underground movement of rebels – like the A Team but probably without Mr T – rather than a selection of reanimated corpses dug up from unconsecrated ground, also known as Tories.


Nigel Farage is playing his part by permanently holding a fake pint of beer so the voters forget he’s a public school-educated millionaire. It’s a deliberately pisspoor disguise, only capable of fooling registered morons. Luckily for Nigel, they each have a vote.




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