Larry the cat resigns because he can't afford to pay his mortgage

Larry the cat has resigned from his £118K job as Government Chief Mouser saying that his mortgage was now costing him £2,000 per month, leaving him just £4,100 per month to live on after tax.

'It’s utterly ridiculous to expect a cat, even a skinny one to be able to live on that sort of money; and I don’t have kittens to send to a public school, so goodness knows how cats with kittens to support are expected to manage,' he said.

A spokescatlover for a feline charity told Newsbiscuit that the special appeal for Larry has already raised £5m and since this is similar to the salaries ex-government ministers are able to supplement their MP’s salaries with by taking second jobs working for sanctioned Russian oligarchs, she’s optimistic he will now be able to live with the dignity to which he has become accustomed.

Larry refused to comment on what he’d been spending the remaining £4,100 of his monthly income on, but a friend assured us it isn’t drugs or brothels.

Photo by Eric Han on Unsplash

Finally some action from No.10

Crew of Changing Rooms 'bricking it' over upcoming Downing Street episode

Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen has been praying daily that he gets to help either Liz Truss or Rishi Sunak in the episode where the flats in numbers 10 and 11 Downing street are redecorated by whoever is occupying the flat next door. His reasoning is that he won't have to deal with 'that' wallpaper if he gets whoever wins the leadership contest.

However he isn't underestimating the challenge of working with the next Prime Minister, as Liz Truss is famously incapable of being told she's wrong despite fitting that description on an hourly basis even when asleep, whereas Rishi Sunak, while much more receptive to ideas being suggested, is unlikely to actually roll his sleeves up and do something. 'If he has to bribe someone to let him pretend to fuel their car and needs special training to use a contactless card, he's unlikely to know which end of a paint brush to use,' said a programme aide.

The episode was arranged before Boris Johnson resigned and the Changing Rooms team already anticipated problems, not least with granting maternity leave to all the female staff on the set in nine month's time.