Government to save fuel by introducing "dogging from home"

Andy Burnham has announced a dogging from home initiative in an attempt to reduce fuel consumption.

Speaking to reporters Mr. Burnham said, 'With fuel prices spiralling ever upward this will save the average deviant somewhere in the region of two pounds-fifty per week. Once again we are going that extra mile to ensure doggers don't have to go even a single mile.

Ron Jenkins, a well known "outdoor pursuit enthusiast" has cautiously welcomed the idea. "I've had to drive for miles for my, er, hobby and I've also damaged my gear stick. That is not a euphemism.

Photo by Shooting Tyre on Unsplash

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Larry the Cat replaced by Albert the Whippet

The No.10 cat is refusing to relocate to the new Government offices in the North, complaining that the seagulls are the size of small horses and had union representation. By contrast, Albert’s natural ability to vibrate with excitement at 300mph will be the only excitement generated by Andy Burnham.

A spokeswoman confirmed, ‘Whippets don’t climb curtains, chandeliers, or visiting dignitaries; while Larry considered all three fair game. Whippets are low maintenance and won’t demand to be worshipped; cats insist on being the actual head of state. And Albert will happily accompany Andy on his morning runs; whereas Larry would file a formal complaint.

‘Plus whippet zoomies can be used to match the speed with which we change Prime Ministers.’

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Starmer joins hand over of the sausages

Months on from his infamous speech, Sir Keir is adamant that he did not misspeak and that Oct 7th was all about bangers- and not the bomb kind. While Hamas have agreed to release Israeli hostages, Starmer is insistent that the sausages be released first. A spokeswoman for No.10 said: 'Sir Keir has been clear from the start. No sausages. No deal. And yes, he would like some chips with it.'

'It is inconceivable to suggest he said sausages by accident, because he was cynically exploiting a massacre while thinking about breakfast. The PM has always backed the bratwurst. He condemns Hamas, who are probably all vegan anyway.'

'He remembers clearly a string of sausages and being chased by a crocodile. The audience were shouting at him. His wife, Mrs Judy, hit him with a stick and-hold on...yup...yup...it was a dream. Sorry, as you were.'