UK plans to clone WWII veterans

A leaked memo has revealed that the Government has no intention of letting a generation of photo ops die off. Instead, aging Spitfire pilots will be spliced with immortal jellyfish, to create a neverending supply of plucky Brits, that can annually endorse our grifting politicians.

No.10 had been concerned about the dwindling supply of confused nonagenarias. Without being able to force a dementia sufferer into wearing a beret, how else would Prime Ministers be able to demonstrate they are tough on defense? Without mawkish VE Day celebrations how else could the PM cosplay Winston Churchill?

Now all we need to do is thaw out their wheelchair once a year. Journalists can recycle their headlines about sacrifice, the BBC can rehash footage of street parties and those brave vets can relive their PTSD so Keir Starmer can pretend he cares.

Photo by marc belver colomer on Unsplash

Larry the cat resigns because he can't afford to pay his mortgage

Larry the cat has resigned from his £118K job as Government Chief Mouser saying that his mortgage was now costing him £2,000 per month, leaving him just £4,100 per month to live on after tax.

'It’s utterly ridiculous to expect a cat, even a skinny one to be able to live on that sort of money; and I don’t have kittens to send to a public school, so goodness knows how cats with kittens to support are expected to manage,' he said.

A spokescatlover for a feline charity told Newsbiscuit that the special appeal for Larry has already raised £5m and since this is similar to the salaries ex-government ministers are able to supplement their MP’s salaries with by taking second jobs working for sanctioned Russian oligarchs, she’s optimistic he will now be able to live with the dignity to which he has become accustomed.

Larry refused to comment on what he’d been spending the remaining £4,100 of his monthly income on, but a friend assured us it isn’t drugs or brothels.

Photo by Eric Han on Unsplash

Finally some action from No.10