As talks over the Northern Ireland Protocol become ever more acrimonious, a source close to number ten claims that one fundamental problem is Boris Johnson's insistence that there is no such place as Ireland.
The source wishing to remain anonymous said: ‘Advisors tried to tell Boris that Ireland is a actually a real country, and that furthermore, Britain has no control over what it decides to do. Nevertheless he just will not accept it.’
‘How can a bunch of funny little potato-munching fellows with green suits, silly black hats, clogs and bright orange beards be in a position to tell the UK, by which of course I really mean England, what we can and can’t do,’ Mr Johnson is understood to have told one aide when shown a photograph of Ireland taken from the International Space Station.
It's understood the PM then suggested: ‘Anyway, that pic looks like some kind of photoshop job if you ask me. Everyone knows "dat da Oirish" are just a mythical race only existing in fairy tales or as the butt of racist jokes.
'What’s more, my old boss Mr Trump said the only real Irish person ever to have lived starred in a movie called The Quiet Man where he played a cowboy called John Wayne.’