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Philosophers at the University of Belfast have admitted they’re baffled to learn that the government of Northern Ireland, which effectively hasn’t existed for two years, has gone on strike.


No one can now remember what caused the Stormont Assembly acrimoniously to break up two years ago, though it’s thought one side described it as “a legitimate and peaceful demand” and the other as “Popish knavery”.


Whatever the reason, Northern Ireland has effectively had no government since then, leading many to wonder exactly who or what has gone on strike today.


”Can a man who is already doing nothing cease to do it?” mused Professor Patrick Fitzgerald. “Wouldn’t that mean he was doing something? It’s a knotty one…”


His colleague, noted Descartes expert Professor Gerald Fitzpatrick, decided it was best not to think about it and promptly ceased to exist, at which point he was invited to become Minister for Transport.


image from pixabay


Allies of Boris Johnson say he is plotting to fat-shame the Prime Minister as part of a plan to return to No 10. Polls show a significant proportion of the electorate would like to see a return to the glory days of skinny Boris. The Daily Mail and Express have thrown their support behind Johnson's plot, claiming Sunak is ‘too fat to govern’.


A source close to the former PM said:


‘Boris will accuse Rishi of being a scruffy lying porker. Far from being offensive, he is merely point out that fat people in public office never happened under his watch, and that its time Rishi stepped aside so he can squeeze past him and get back into No 10.'


Downing Street was quick to deny that Rishi is a heffalump, pointing out that Ursula von der Leyen regularly beats him at arm wrestling. .



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