Republic of Ireland seeks veto over unification

With the Northern Ireland Assembly led by a nationalist for the first time, and many predicting a vote on Irish unification within 10 years, politicians in the Republic have said it might be nice if someone asked their opinion about it.

'People talk as if this only affects Westminster and Belfast,' said a spokesman for Fine Gael. 'But what makes them assume we want to take on responsibility for the north?

'You've got two of the maddest bunches of mentalists the world has ever seen. The unionists will be more pissed off than ever if unification happens, and you can’t tell me the nationalists will just disband and go home because they’ve achieved their aim. This is Ireland, after all - they'll find something to feel aggrieved about.

'OK, if it came down to it, we’d probably bite the bullet - ideally a hypothetical bullet - and say yes. But it would be nice if someone at least thought to ask.'

Meanwhile the British Prime Minister said he was opposed to a united Ireland, because without the role of Secretary of State for Northern Ireland, he’d have to think of another way to punish colleagues who’d seriously pissed him off.

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N. Ireland Assembly breaks up in acrimonious tea/coffee row

The Northern Ireland Assembly, which only today resumed business after a two year hiatus, has unfortunately broken up again in a row about whether members should be served tea or coffee during debates.

'My community has enjoyed the Great British cup of tea for generations,' bellowed Dr Ian Wingnut of the Demented Unstable Party. 'If my legitimate and peaceful demand for tea is not met, there will be violent reprisals.'

'Tea is a British imperialist imposition and my community utterly rejects it,' snarled Spuddy Spud McSpudderson of the Definitely No Links To Terrorists Party. 'Give me coffee - preferably a decaf latte, no sugar - or give me death.'

At this point, Fionnula Sandalista of the centrist Alliance party suggested that perhaps members could choose whether they preferred tea or coffee on an individual basis. This was immediately denounced as "drift" and 'moral relativism' by both the main parties.

The situation was almost resolved when the caretaker announced that power to the building was cut off during the hiatus and hadn’t been restored yet, so hot drinks of any kind were impossible. He offered to nip out to a coffee shop for them, only for the assembly to break up in an acrimonious row about whether they preferred Caffè Nero or Costa.

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Philosophers baffled as non-existent Northern Irish government goes on strike

Philosophers at the University of Belfast have admitted they’re baffled to learn that the government of Northern Ireland, which effectively hasn’t existed for two years, has gone on strike.

No one can now remember what caused the Stormont Assembly acrimoniously to break up two years ago, though it’s thought one side described it as “a legitimate and peaceful demand” and the other as “Popish knavery”.

Whatever the reason, Northern Ireland has effectively had no government since then, leading many to wonder exactly who or what has gone on strike today.

”Can a man who is already doing nothing cease to do it?” mused Professor Patrick Fitzgerald. “Wouldn’t that mean he was doing something? It’s a knotty one…”

His colleague, noted Descartes expert Professor Gerald Fitzpatrick, decided it was best not to think about it and promptly ceased to exist, at which point he was invited to become Minister for Transport.

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