Bath-time Trump ensures world peace by starting nuclear stand-off with Russia

'Failed ex-president Medvedev is saying that all my demands to Russia to make peace with Ukraine are moving Russia and the US closer to war,' said President Donald Trump, speaking to reporters from a gold-plated bath in the White House.

'To pull the world back from the brink of Armageddon, I have activated a two-pronged plan which is guaranteed to calm everything down. Firstly, I have insulted Medvedev by calling him a failed president. That's guaranteed to put him in a friendlier mood.

'Secondly, to punish him for daring to say America and Russia are edging closer to war, I am sending two nuclear submarines to within missile range of Moscow,' Trump continued, illustrating his point to reporters with a clockwork hunter-killer submarine bath toy.

'Action stations!' he cried, plunging the sub into the briny depths of his bathtub and making siren noises. 'Dive! Dive! Dive!'

'People are saying this is the peace plan Jesus or Gandhi would have come up with,' said Trump, firing off a plastic pretend Tomahawk missile into the lavatory. 'That's if they'd wanted to look really tough to a bunch of ignorant, violent redneck supporters, like I do.'

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Hegseth 'Inadvertently' Released American Nuclear Launch Codes

Embattled American Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had admitted that he ‘inadvertently’ released highly sensitive nuclear launch information to the public. The information was contained in a skywritten message that appeared over Washington, DC yesterday afternoon. The message said ‘THE PASSWORD FOR ALL-OUT NUCLEAR LAUNCH IS “PASSWORD” ’. A Pentagon source, speaking on condition of anonymity, said ‘unfortunately, the information contained in the message is substantially accurate.’

One of Hegseth’s neighbours in the nation’s capital said that Hegseth rented the plane to provide ‘some unique entertainment’ for the neighbour’s gender-reveal party. ‘But I’m sure it’s not like the North Koreans saw it or anything,’ the neighbour said. ‘I mean, they’re way on the other side of the world, over by, like, Africa or somewhere.’

Other partygoers were less forgiving. Said one, ‘You know that guy that everyone thought would be the first in the class to get fired from three jobs? That’s Pete.’ ‘He means well,’ said another, ‘but he just doesn’t have any discernible skill, so now that he’s inexplicably got some sensitive responsibilities, he likes to show off.’ A third likened Hegseth to ‘the little boy running around in a plastic fireman’s hat. You usually just humour him, but, yeah, that nuclear war thing is a little dicey, isn’t it?’

image from pixabay

Starmer: Nuclear Armagedon will keep OAPs warm

The Government have a radical plan to heat UK homes this winter, by goading Putin into WW3. Instead of breaking tariffs and importing costly Russian gas, we will get weapons-grade nuclear energy dropped directly on our homes - for free!

The Foreign Office insisted: 'If any elderly are still alive afterwards to complain about the cost of heating, they'll have all that lovely radiation to keep them warm. Just like the Ready Brek advert where everyone glows on the inside, but with the added benefit of bleeding from every orifice.'

Despite Russia delivering the bombs for free, householders will still need to pay UK energy providers. 'We may be faced with nuclear extinction but it's still important for shareholders to turn a profit. This may be the end of all life on earth, but nationalisation? Over my dead body!'

image from pixabay