Trump loses his sh!t

US president Donald Trump has reacted furiously to the humiliation of being mocked by Belgian footballers by declaring that unless the result is overturned, the ceasefire with Iran is over. In a rambling statement, Trump said,

'Unless Infantino does the decent thing and reinstates the United states team every time they lose, until I have lifted the world cup for them, millions of Iranian people will be blasted to oblivion. You know, we treated those bastards so well during the soccer jamboree, and this is how we are repaid. It's not on.

No one mocks the mighty Donald J Trump without some defenceless little kids dying with their entire family. It's only fair. You know Iran used to be called Persia?  I didn't until yesterday and now I think they changed the name to help them hide the nukes. Bigly nukes go boom! And the whole country goes boom unless Infantino does the business.

You know, I've done so much for him, giving him the greatest soccer jamboree of all time. Now he has to pay me back or I forget soccer and obliterate Persia. They are cuckoo anyway. My pants feel squishy. Has someone farted?

Thank you for your attention to this matter. What day is it? What's this red button for? .

image from Grok

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Bath-time Trump ensures world peace by starting nuclear stand-off with Russia

'Failed ex-president Medvedev is saying that all my demands to Russia to make peace with Ukraine are moving Russia and the US closer to war,' said President Donald Trump, speaking to reporters from a gold-plated bath in the White House.

'To pull the world back from the brink of Armageddon, I have activated a two-pronged plan which is guaranteed to calm everything down. Firstly, I have insulted Medvedev by calling him a failed president. That's guaranteed to put him in a friendlier mood.

'Secondly, to punish him for daring to say America and Russia are edging closer to war, I am sending two nuclear submarines to within missile range of Moscow,' Trump continued, illustrating his point to reporters with a clockwork hunter-killer submarine bath toy.

'Action stations!' he cried, plunging the sub into the briny depths of his bathtub and making siren noises. 'Dive! Dive! Dive!'

'People are saying this is the peace plan Jesus or Gandhi would have come up with,' said Trump, firing off a plastic pretend Tomahawk missile into the lavatory. 'That's if they'd wanted to look really tough to a bunch of ignorant, violent redneck supporters, like I do.'

Image: OpenClipart-Vectors - Pixabay

Hegseth 'Inadvertently' Released American Nuclear Launch Codes

Embattled American Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth had admitted that he ‘inadvertently’ released highly sensitive nuclear launch information to the public. The information was contained in a skywritten message that appeared over Washington, DC yesterday afternoon. The message said ‘THE PASSWORD FOR ALL-OUT NUCLEAR LAUNCH IS “PASSWORD” ’. A Pentagon source, speaking on condition of anonymity, said ‘unfortunately, the information contained in the message is substantially accurate.’

One of Hegseth’s neighbours in the nation’s capital said that Hegseth rented the plane to provide ‘some unique entertainment’ for the neighbour’s gender-reveal party. ‘But I’m sure it’s not like the North Koreans saw it or anything,’ the neighbour said. ‘I mean, they’re way on the other side of the world, over by, like, Africa or somewhere.’

Other partygoers were less forgiving. Said one, ‘You know that guy that everyone thought would be the first in the class to get fired from three jobs? That’s Pete.’ ‘He means well,’ said another, ‘but he just doesn’t have any discernible skill, so now that he’s inexplicably got some sensitive responsibilities, he likes to show off.’ A third likened Hegseth to ‘the little boy running around in a plastic fireman’s hat. You usually just humour him, but, yeah, that nuclear war thing is a little dicey, isn’t it?’

image from pixabay