RyanAir to Carry British Nuclear Bombs

At this week's NATO Summit, Sir Keir Starmer announced that RyanAir had been chosen to carry and potentially deliver the UK's airborne nuclear arsenal as part of the group's response to developing threats.

'Ordinarily we would use the RAF,' said the Prime Minister at the talks in The Netherlands, 'however, following a competitive tendering process and an evaluation of operational capability, we felt outsourcing the delivery mechanism was a prudent decision. RyanAir are already skilled in causing airborne misery to countless thousands, so this is simply business as usual for them.'

At their headquarters just outside Dublin, RyanAir CEO Michael O'Leary was delighted with the news, telling reporters, 'Today, not only do Ireland join the Nuclear Powers of the world, but we do it at a fraction of the cost of the Manhattan Project. Now we've got the contract, we've also informed Westminster that the costs will increase, as when we've measured the bombs in question, they don't fully fit in the sizer.

'So there is an excess fee for carrying them. The UK and US Governments have also already shared possible targets with us, and if we drop a bomb within 100 miles of them, we'll claim it as a direct hit.'

Photo by Wolfgang Weiser on Unsplash

Square the circle, Keir, there's a good chap

MI6 Delay Tehran Nuclear Efforts By Using British Project Managers

New head of MI6 Blaise Metreweli has unveiled her first success as "C" within the secretive organisation; the successful delay of Iran's Nuclear Weapons programme through the covert installation of UK-trained project managers with experience of major infrastructure projects into the regime.

"I'm very happy to disclose the effectiveness of Operation Gantt," said SIS Spokesperson Harriet Palmerston at a Press Conference today. "Recruiting people to the intelligence services used to be a tap on a shoulder in an Oxbridge College following lectures; nowadays it's the corridors of a civil engineering firm after yet another status meeting announcing a schedule slip. We identified several potential agents due to their natural ability to obfuscate and leave teams hamstrung. Thanks to special training in sounding promising but delivering little delivered by former contestants on The Apprentice, these operatives have been able to keep Tehran a year from having an atomic bomb for the past decade."

Palmerston then explained the next steps for the operation, "With their work largely concluded due to the military action in the area now removing Iran's capability to enrich uranium, these people have been extracted and will be returned to their roles in the Civil Service delivering such projects as the Lower Thames Crossing and Heathrow's Third Runway. It's felt some of the managerial techniques they've picked up while deployed, such as beatings and ritual beheadings, are just the kind of motivational tactics these programs need to really get them moving."

image from pixabay

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