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Burglar numbers falling. People urged to leave bacon fat in gardens




The Royal Society for the Protection of Burglars has urged people with garden sheds to leave out seed balls, lumps of lard, Rolex watches and widescreen TVs to help those light of finger survive the lean winter months. The number of burglars in the UK has fallen by 75% after a cold spell left them struggling to find open windows and empty houses. Robin Toerags and Great Tits could face extinction if temperatures continue to fall.


An RSPB spokesperson said:


‘Burglars rely heavily on the Christmas period to put on an some extra wonga. Sub-zero temperatures mean they are struggling to find items they can easily convert into cash or weed. We urge people to leave a window open so these beautiful little creatures can nick their stuff and shit on their duvets.’


There is some good news for House Martins and Dunnocks. These cheeky little scamps have adopted distraction techniques to get inside the homes of elderly people. Cute video clips of their hilarious antics can be viewed on YouTube.


You can help the RSBP in their important work by buying a wall chart that identifies offenders. You can also take practical steps to ensure they visit your garden on a regular basis. The RSPB has asked people to keep a close eye on their cats. ‘We’ll nick anything,’ the spokesperson said.


Bill Oddie refused to comment.



First published 26 Dec 2022


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Prime numbers accuse mathematicians of discrimination

Prime numbers from around the world are supporting a claim from the number 17 for the right to self-identify as an even number.  'For far too many years, we prime numbers have had to endure the stigma of being categorised as "odd"' said the number 23, spokesnumber for the World Union of Prime Numbers.  'We are Proud to be Prime, but that doesn't mean we should have to be banned from being even if we feel that that is our true identity.'


'We don't know how many other prime numbers feel the same way, but we suspect that the quantity of them could be infinite.  It may be a long, hard struggle, but we are determined to succeed.  Negative numbers, imaginary numbers - and even old-fashioned square numbers - don't necessarily need to be odd, so why should we?  We are un-divided in our determination to overturn this irrational  discrimination.'


When it was suggested that there may be a number of factors involved, the spokesnumber said 'No, not for us, there aren't.'


'We have made a start by calling for the no-platforming of reactionary, backward-thinking old-guard mathematicians who are reluctant to accept modern ways of thinking, and who persist in claiming that all prime numbers are odd.  The fascist bastards.'


In other news, the number 2 has filed to sue the World Union of Prime Numbers.



Copy of Numbers want their hashtag back




Numbers are divided. Some of them want their hash symbol (#) back, some are against the idea. Speaking for 7, 8, 9, the number 10 said, 'Since # was promoted to online hashtag status, we've been feeling a bit lonely.' 10 quickly added, 'Although not as lonely as number 1, of course.'


Number 3 isn't convinced. 'I'm not really sure that # really helped us in any way. Everyone sort of knew we were numbers, and putting # in front of us seemed somewhat superfluous. And people with bad handwriting sometimes made it look like I was 43 instead of #3. That sort of confusion can quickly multiply and become a real minus.'


# said, 'Will I ever go back to my old digit colleagues? Nº.'




First published 21 Sep 2022


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