Army relieved that Andrew is no longer Duke of York

Army Top Brass are pleased that the 'prince' will not be able to use 10,000 soldiers for needless yomps up and down hills any more. An army spokesman said, 'this was a gross misuse of trained professionals, marching these troops up to the top of a hill, for no reason other than to march them down again. And simply to confirm that when they are up, they are up. Madness. Sheer, bloody madness.'

Major-General Headly-Smedley-Landrover-Smyth was quoted as saying, 'We are glad that this unnecessary use of our troops has finally been dealt with. This was not a manoeuvre to practice the taking of an elevated position. This was a full division, comprised of multiple brigades, weirdly just men, marching up and down a hill. The report states some notes were made on the situation when they were only halfway up, but, quite frankly, I am embarrassed to give them to you. This whole exercise could have been done at squad level with ten soldiers, not ten thousand. Get me a brandy.'

When told the actual reason the Duke of York title was being removed, the Major-General spat brandy everywhere, and developed a new type of gout.

Image credit: Titanic Belfast, CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons. Text added.

School history lessons were only about the royals

Addresses stolen in Nursery Land hack

Hackers say they have stolen the pictures, names and addresses of around 8,000 Nursery Land characters including The Master, the Dame and the Little Boy who lives down the lane.

The gang of cyber criminals is using the highly sensitive information, such as 'who sells sea shells on the sea shore', to demand a ransom of golden eggs, silver nutmegs and bags of wool.

The criminals say they also have information about the construction of many of the buildings including houses built of straw, stick, bricks and, in one case, gingerbread and sweets.

Newsbiscuit has contacted Old King Cole for comment, but has not had a response.

Cyber-security expert Little Boy Blue described the targeting as 'an absolute new low' and immediately blew on his horn to warn others..

Another expert, Jack Horner, suggested people should: 'Sit in the corner' for safety

Mary, Mary Quite Contrary said her family had received an email from the hackers, who told them they knew exactly how her garden grew.

'It was all very professional and well-written, no spelling mistakes or anything like that,' she said.

The hacking group responsible for the claims appears to be relatively new. It is believe to be from the Hamlin area of Germany, and calls itself 'The Pied Piper'.

Image: WixAI