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Starmer defo has free tickets to Oasis

While middle-age cokesters complain about ticket touts, Britain's least favourite Keir has wrangled comps and a backstage pass to Noel's sulky boudoir. However 'Freebie Keith', as he is known, is keeping a low profile, for fear of the public backlash and having to pay for them himself.


The reunion gig has kickstarted a wave of nostalgia, for a simpler time of no GPS, MCU and plenty cheap whizz. 90s BritPop represents a high point in British culture and a low point in musical history. Starmer is said to be a massive fan of any band that promises so much and delivers so little. He particularly identifies with the Gallagher's ability to be popular yet despised at the same time. He knows what it is like to be a self-loathing tribute act, with no discernible skills, other than a hatred of the poor people that got you there.


Getting tickets proved no more difficult than getting an aide to pick up the phone and promise Oasis £3bn in NHS contracts and a Ministerial post. The PM is hoping to blend in with the crowd in his three-piece neon tracksuit, but as one music journalist commented: 'If he wanted to go unnoticed, he should just dress up as one of his policies.'




Starmer to cancel tax increase by selling his 3 Oasis tickets

Government sources are suggesting the Prime Minister may resell his three Oasis tickets in an attempt to plug the Government’s 22 billion pound financial blackhole heading off the need for tax rises in the October budget.


As dynamic pricing has inflated Oasis ticket prices to more than the cost of renewing Trident and the because the Prime Minister’s wife prefers Megadeth, Sir Keir is open to offers for the tickets.


The Prime Minister was looking forward to the gig at Heaton Park. Staring at a crowd of bucket hats makes a welcome change from staring at a crowd of bucket heads on the opposition back benches.


Dynamic pricing of Oasis tickets means the Gallagher brothers stand to make substantial earnings from their performances next year. This is all a far cry from their impoverished early lives in Manchester. The extortionately high ticket prices will, however, provide a lucky opportunity for thousands of fans in Manchester to experience the brothers’ early life for themselves now.





Gallagher brothers reunite to create world's longest eyebrow



In news that has taken both the world of pop and male facial hair by surprise, Liam and Noel Gallagher have set aside their differences to get back together.


Seeing the Gallaghers side by side again will create a major landmark event, the reunion of one of the world's most popular bands and an almost continuous eyebrow that can be seen from anywhere.


Liam Gallagher said. "I’ve been living a lie for years, man, I hate having to shave between my eyebrows, its not normal, like my relationship with Noel, we shouldn't really be separated"


Noel Gallagher followed up by saying, "I know a lot of people have frowned on the idea of us getting back together again, but let me tell you if me and our kid both frown at the same time, it can cause a tsunami in Canada."


Critics wonder whether it will be a success, Noel has always had a real chip on his shoulder about not being a proper front man, now he'll have a real chimp on his shoulder instead.


Critics believe next year’s tour is going to be a huge event, nothing like it will have been seen since the early nineties or the early Pleistocene.


Photo by Bob Coyne on Unsplash

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