Pharmaceutical firm Methpusha today announced the launch of a new drug to tackle the nation’s obesity crisis.
To be marketed under the brand name Fatibumbum, though its scientific name is Greggspasti, the new drug will work in an entirely different way to competing drugs already on the market.
“In the past, we’ve concentrated on mimicking the feeling of fullness, so people will eat less,” said company spokesman Shy Gadarene. “Unfortunately, our new parent company also owns a number of fast food franchises, so they weren’t too happy about that.
“So instead we’ve focussed on a drug that makes people ignore any advice that being fat is bad for them, or in any way undesirable.
“And it’s worked. In clinical trials, subjects who were given the drug were up to 50% more likely to use phrases like ‘If you listened to everything doctors say, you’d never do anything’ or ‘What does it matter? I might get hit by a bus tomorrow’. They also showed astonishing ability to avoid mirrors, and to convince themselves that they only need quadruple extra large t-shirts because they’re made in China ‘where people are smaller’.
“Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to make the pills taste nice. But they go down easily enough if you hide them in a Big Mac.”
Asked whether it wasn’t massively irresponsible to convince people it’s OK to be overweight when all medical evidence says otherwise, the spokesman said “Well who knows, maybe we’ll come up with another drug which means you can be obese without it being bad for you. We’re already working on one that prevents fat old men who take our anti-impotence pills having heart attacks during sex. We’re just losing too many customers.”
image from pixabay
An out of work actor has suggested he would make an excellent “fat stomach” to be shown on the BBC News whenever they cover a story about obesity.
Colin Sandwich, who says his corpulence has prevented him having the acting career he might have, feels he would be ideal for this role.
”I was never gonna be Mr Darcy, I know that,” said Sandwich today. “I mean, who’d pay to see this wadin’ out of a lake in a clingy wet shirt? I wouldn’t wanna see it meself.
”But illustratin’ risin’ rates of diabetes, the cost to the NHS of weight loss drugs, or whatever? I’m there. Show me the doughnuts.
”And frankly issa disgrace the way the BBC just film random fat people in a shoppin’ centre. Thass takin’ work away from trained professionals, that is. No wonder I can’t make a livin’.”
However his wife Jeanette Sandwich pleaded with the BBC not to hire him for this, saying his only motivation is to be able to claim junk food as a business expense.
“Believe it or not, I cook him healthy meals all the time. Which he eats, and then goes and has a McDonalds afterwards. It’s only gonna get worse if the junk food’s basically free.”
image from pixabay