Farage reports UK to Ofcom for anti-Farage bias

'Everyone in the media is talking about the so-called dodgy donations I took from crypto-barons and the mothers of fraudsters,' said an ashen-faced Nigel Farage on the sidelines of his party's trainwreck of a conference.

'But that's plain bias. Why aren't they talking about the money that Conservative and Labour get from crypto-barons and the mothers of fraudsters? They keep quiet about that, don't they?

'And it's no good saying there's no evidence. If the media were really unbiased, they'd invent evidence against the other political parties just to balance things up.

'That's the complaint Reform UK is putting to Ofcom, and if they don't uphold it that'll prove Ofcom is biased, too.

'And we want members of the public to stop talking in their totally biased way about dodgy donations down the pub and outside the school gates at picking-up time.

'In fact, when Reform comes to power we'll have secret Ofcom agents lurking in pubs and at school gates to arrest all these biased members of the public and deport them, whether they're foreign or not.

'Let's see how you like talking about dodgy donations when you're in a mud hut in Rwanda, chums,' warned Mr Farage.

Image: WixAI

Ofcom to fine non-viewers of Adolescence

'Following the despicable example set by Kemi Badenoch,' said an Ofcom spokes-pixel, 'we are worried that other bloody-minded reactionaries in Britain may take a stand and not watch the compelling, 100% factual Adolescence and its promised follow-up.

'We are now getting Labour to make its poodle MPs pass a law fining people £500 for failure to view every second of these Netflix masterpieces.

'You will all then be obliged to get into a huge moral panic and fret out loud, at dinner parties and in public meetings, about how absolutely awful 'these incels' are.

'There will also be custodial sentences for 'Adolescence deniers' - people who claim its plot is not perfectly truthful. It is a real-life documentary, as the Prime Minister stated in the Commons. You only have to see the terribly life-like camera techniques they used to know how right he is about this.

'We are also demanding legislation to make Paddington Bear Britain's new patron saint.

'The statues of him popping up on benches across the country are to be treated as sacred objects, and anyone caught defiling one will be subjected to a tedious sermon on inclusivity from some self-righteous judge who wants good copy in the papers.

Picture by Nabil Saleh from Unsplash/Wix

ISS astronauts complain to Ofcom, they can't even get 1G

.