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Newsbiscuit: Best of August 2024


August 2024


The Paris Olympics come to an end. Britain wins 65 medals and comes in third behind the USA and China. More importantly, we are top in Europe, and we get more medals than Australia.


To tarnish Olympic success, the month is marred by summer rioting. This is fuelled by nonsense spread by social media, which is lapped up by the gullible. After warming up (ha!) on winter fuel payments, Keir Starmer continues to play the tough guy. He releases some old lags from prison to make more cells available to lock up the rioters.


UK water companies are fined millions for sewage spills. Again. Does this happen every month? It seems to.


In the entertainment world, police issue an arrest warrant for Katie Price after she fails to attend a bankruptcy hearing. And Harry and Meghan go to Colombia to ‘make the internet safer for children’. And to promote their charity work. And themselves. How could they choose Colombia over the Edinburgh Festival?


In overseas news, Ukraine, Gaza.


In the US, a judge rules that Google have an illegal monopoly over internet searches. Finally, an American news story that isn’t about the US Election.


Here is a selection of the top stories from August 2024. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


Crime and punishment


Politics


Sport and entertainment


Other news


Headlines


GCHQ close to decoding rules for cycling Keirin

'I take my job as an MP seriously,' wins joke of the Fringe

Puppeteer offers to explain string theory

Search for 'Google's illegal online monopoly' yields no results

Top uni accepts students with 25m back stroke certificate

Police tasked with arresting Katie Price have no idea what she looks like

Builder who lost his plans of the stairs told to retrace his steps

Israel and Hamas, in a rare show of unity, agree to continue hostilities

Starmer pledges to transform UK steel industry into no-steel industry

No signs of green shoots on Conservative party stump

‘The UK is too dangerous for me and my family’ says Harry as he lands in Colombia

English tourist resort attracts more visitors with rioting mini breaks



Image credit: Wix

Putin nominated for BBC Sports Personality of the Year



In a shock move, Russian president Vladimir Putin has made the shortlist for the BBC’s Sports Personality of the Year competition.


Joining the likes of cyclist Mark Cavendish, heptathlete Katarina Johnson-Thompson and runner Keely Hodgkinson, Putin is seen as a dark horse (which he’ll ride topless) in the annual contest.


‘We’re not quite sure how he made in onto the list,’ said a spokesman for the BBC competition. ‘I mean, I know he’s a black belt in judo and all that sort of stuff, but that’s not enough, is it? We reckon there’s been a bit of hacking going on. ‘Who’ll be nominated next? Bashar al-Assad for his skills in running away from a civil war?’


The Kremlin insisted the president’s nomination was all above board.


‘Look, you Western imperialist scum, Vlad's on the list, fair and square,’ said a spokeswoman. 'There’s no point acting like a bowl of undercooked borscht – just deal with it.’


Fellow nominees fear they might accidentally fall out of a window should Putin not triumph in the contest.


‘We’re all s*** scared,’ said one, who wished to remain anonymous. ‘He’s definitely got my vote.’

Keir drafts his ‘100 day achievements’ list


Keir is expecting to reach his one hundredth day as Prime Minister very soon, so he’s working on his list of achievements.   This will enable his press office to feed an easy story to lazy journalists. The draft list looks like this:


DO MENTION


Great Olympics and great Paralympics – all those gold medals really show what we can do as a nation – and not a penny of taxpayers’ money spent. Thank god for the national lottery (and sponsorship from Aldi).


Sorting out the mess of Tory strikes – I’ve taken difficult decisions and driven a hard bargain with the rail unions. I’ve given the NHS a shot in the arm by settling pay disputes there. (Note to self: ignore any questions about where the money is coming from. Use the ‘broadest shoulders’ line. Don’t mention 14.5% or 22.4% pay increases, as those numbers sound big.)


Sorting out the mess of Tory riots – I’ve been tough on civil disorder and banged up lots of right-wing voters. (Note: blame early prisoner releases on the Tories)


I’m sorting out the Tories economic legacy.   Aldi, Lidl and Poundland are all opening new stores – proper shops, selling useful stuff (must check to see if these stores are owned by foreigners).   And I’ve agreed to bung Tata Steel half a billion to appease the steel unions. Difficult decisions!  (Don’t mention the increase in first class post.  £1.65 FFS.  Remember to ask a donor to buy stamps for Christmas cards before prices go up.   2,000 stamps should do it? Avoid talking about the budget – that is going to be a real downer.  Good idea to delay the budget until after the first 100 days. 


MENTION IF ASKED


I have sorted out the Tory mess of anti-Semitism in the Labour Party.  I strongly support Israel’s right to defend itself on even dates.  On odd dates, I wring my hands about civilian casualties. (Don’t mention weapons sales to Israel)


Larry the Cat is an outdated hangover from the previous administration, and I’ve taken the difficult decision to bring in a young, energetic and more left-wing cat.


I’ve taken the difficult decision to take away the winter fuel payment from rich, right-wing voters who don’t need it. To everyone who voted for change, this is a change.  Buy thicker vests, for goodness sake. Remember that I have kept my promise on the triple lock.   So far.


DON’T MENTION


Free clothes. Frocks for Victoria costing £5,000. Not on my credit card! (People will say I'm in the pockets of the unions, when I'm actually in the Y fronts of the unions.)


Jeremy Corbyn or Diane Abbott – there’s always something else with them.  Why does she think she's a non-person?


Ukraine using British tanks to invade Russia. Jesus.


Finally finding the time to sort out my Pokémon card collection.



Picture credit: Wix AI

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