Bored football fan becomes Freestyle BMX authority during Olympics

A man whose entire life revolves around his football club has expanded his sporting knowledge to include Freestyle BMX, having watched coverage of the Olympic games on television.  Gerald Johnson, who didn't miss a single Brighton & Hove Albion game in the 2023/2024 season, now cannot stop talking about Tailwhips, 540s and Nac-Nacs, despite not even realising Freestyle BMX was a so-called sport until earlier this week.

'I was so bored but then I watched these cool kids messing about on tiny little bikes as if they were down the local skate park and I was transfixed by their Bar Spins and Cross-ups', explained Mr Johnson. 'Freestyle BMX has really helped me through the interminable weeks between the end of the Euros and the start of the new football season.'

Gerald has also embraced the coverage of the Olympic judo, the clay pigeon shooting and even the posh people on dancing horses, or dressage as he now calls it, having been educated in the finer points of the event by the posh people commentating on it for the BBC.  According to Gerald, all Olympic sports are more entertaining than cricket, but a Superman Seat Grab over the volcano in Freestyle BMX is almost as exciting as a 90th minute winner in the Champions League.

However, it is feared that this obsession with Freestyle BMX may not last beyond the medal ceremonies.  Mr Johnson is apparently preparing a cardboard cut-out covered with aluminium foil in the shape of the FA Cup to take to Wincanton Town versus Blackfield & Langley in Saturday's extra preliminary round of the competition.  And if Wincanton go 1-0 up, he is expected to join in with the shouts of 'Wem-ber-lee'.

image from pixabay

Man weirdly insistent on people knowing he won’t be watching the Olympics

As coverage of the Paris Olympics ramps up, one man has also ramped up his social media presence to inform and educate the population at large that he definitely won’t be tuning in. Taking a delightfully contrarian twist, it turns out Mick Phillips won’t be watching the Olympics and has previously expressed distaste at other popular and well ingrained cultural phenomenon.

‘I’ve effortlessly pivoted from constant updates about how I won’t be watching the Euro24 tournament to broadcasting my complete lack of interest of the Olympics.’ Phillips announced.

‘The Euro 24 stuff was actually quite engaging, I made an observation about how it’s just 11 men chasing a ball; I think there was some social commentary as well when I referenced how much they get paid compared to nurses.’

When questioned on the obvious fuck-up in his maths, Phillips responded ‘There’s 22 players in total? Well... Just goes to show I definitely wasn’t watching.’

‘I’m not embarrassed by that.’ he repeated to himself, several times.

Although Williams was unsure what the overall endgame of his posts would be, that hasn’t discouraged him from posting his lack on interest in numerous online sporting forums and news sites.

When asked if they had a response to Williams’ disinterest in the event, one sports enthusiast responded ‘Mike Phillips won’t be watching? That’s fine, that was always allowed.’

At press time, Phillips was seen posting “Who?” in several articles about a ubiquitous, internationally recognised singer.

image from pixabay

I can't wait for the Olympics closing ceremony, says Kabul housewife

"Goodness, four hours watching that Olympic opening ceremony just flew by!" Umm Said, an elderly housewife from Kabul, told Western journalists.

"And they way they put drag acts into almost every scene and insulted the religion of billions of people was just so enlightened and diverse.

"I must admit that when I saw a naked, blue, fat man rise up from the table at the Prophet Isa's Last Supper and start singing, I thought I was having a fatal stroke and asked my husband to call the doctor and the imam.

"But he explained that all the queering and blasphemy involved were merely attempts by the organisers to make people all over the world feel totally comfortable and included in this Olympic experience. How thoughtful of them!

"Now that I am no longer terrified or offended by these Olympics ceremonies, I cannot wait for the closing one to come around so I can get to watch another four hours solid of gender-bending and mockery of people's beliefs.

"These displays are all so meaningful to people like me."

image from pixabay