British tourists fail to notice French railway sabotage

British tourists have been marvelling at the speed and efficiency of French trains, despite the fact that many of the high speed TGVs are not even running thanks to arson attacks and the system is also coping with an Olympics and start of holiday season.

Francesca Fraser said 'Look at these lovely trains. They're much faster than the ones at home. Punctual service. And there's never been leaves on the line the whole time we've been here. Reasonable prices too... I'm starting to wonder if the privatisation of the British train network might not have been an unqualified success.'

Locals, who are used to a good train service, were less happy. One mime, angry that his train was late and failing to travel at 200mph, did unspeakable things to a baguette.

image from pixabay

New conspiracy theory suggests Queen's 2012 Olympic parachute jump was fake

'Typical load of cobblers' a spokesman for the Palace stated. 'Probably concocted by some wretched republican halfwit.  The originator of this outrageous theory is liable to charge of treason, and imprisonment in The Tower.'

Slightly more credible is another conspiracy theory, which accepts that the Queen, obviously, did do the jump (she wasn't the kind of person who would duck out of a challenge, or willingly participate in any kind of deception) but that a stuntman had to take the place of Daniel 'James Bond' Craig. This was because the film company's insurers weren't prepared to underwrite the risk of exposing such a valuable actor to that degree of danger.

A member of the late queen's household later revealed that, in private, Her Majesty had subsequently described the event as 'A bit of a doddle, really.  It wasn't as if it was even pissing down with rain or anything.  I have a Prime Minister, remember, who can carry out any necessary public performances in the rain when needed.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Day five & the Olympic Opening Ceremony is still going

Paris 2024 treated the world to a spectacle of light, sound and mind-numbing boredom - with all the obligatory mime artists you could want. Not content with talking in French - everyone's worst second language - the Olympic hosts decided to showcase the million and one reasons why French art is so dull.

The torrential rain did alleviate some of the tension by soaking Olympic Officials and a bedraggled choir. While the highlight was seeing the competitors forced onto barges and hit by a water canon of excrement, from the River Seine.

The key to all French culture is to do it at a snail's pace, but with a face like a slapped arse. There seemed to be an awful lot of cosplay characters on skateboards and hula-hoopers in fetish underwear - but that is standard for any French day out. It was the glacial pace that did for may of the viewers, said one: 'I need a medal just for having watched it.'

Picture credit: Wix AI