Starmer to scrap NHS and England... sorry, NHS England

Confusion has followed the announcement that Labour would be cutting the NHS, mainly because we thought it had been phased out years ago. Now it turns out they plan to remove the administrative regulator of the NHS and replace it with a pothole, filled patient data and regret.

The PM made it clear that the £8bn funding shortfall would be made it up from saved post-it notes. Any vital jobs will be replaced by AI and a quick game of Hasbro's Operation. A Government spokeswoman clarified: 'We are absolutely not getting rid of the NHS core services...that's next week.'

Image: WixAI

Man complains that his operation was treated as a game

Cavity Sam, a cartoon character, says a group of unqualified ‘so-called’ players operated on him for over an hour, and removed several items from his body in a series of unnecessary procedures.

He claims he was diagnosed with twelve ailments. 'I ironically the first was a case of 'Gamer’s Thumb', which they removed. However, this didn’t solve anything so they went on to take out my 'Headphone Headache', a 'Frog' from my throat and several more items working down my body past 'Butterflies in my Stomach' to my 'Cranky Knee'. Nothing seemed to work.

They took it in turns to have a go on me. All the time they were laughing and joking. I don’t believe they were even qualified doctors! They were very clumsy and only used a pair of tweezers which kept touching the sides of my open wounds. Even this didn’t set off any alarms!

'In the end, it turned out the only thing wrong with me was that I needed a new set of batteries for my large red light bulb nose. I didn’t actually ‘need' anything to be removed. The ‘doctor’ with the most money was declared ‘the winner’. I don't think they took my operation seriously at all. That’s the last time I go private!'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Clarkson has heart fitted

TV personality, farmer, and spokesman for Wrangler Jeans Jeremy Clarkson revealed today he recently underwent a heart procedure, resulting in him having one fitted.

Speaking at his Oxfordshire farm, the advocate of global warming gave anxious fans an update on his condition, telling them all, "I first noticed something when we filmed with the piglets. The emotion of the situation gave me a numbness in my arm and a hollow feeling in my chest.

'Thinking it might be a brewing coronary, we ended up at hospital and a quick scan showed I actually suffer from stannum homini. I'm just so grateful that an absolute wizard of a cardiologist was there and able to fit me with a heart so I can now do things like walk on my land and enjoy Terms of Endearment.'

At the John Radcliffe hospital, lead specialist Professor Oscar Diggs elaborated on the star's treatment. "Fortunately for Mr Clarkson," he said, "with Oxfordshire being such a Tory stronghold, we are specialists in this ailment and the absence of hearts generally.

'This was stage two stannum homini, where symptoms can include writing for a right-wing newspaper, calling things you don't like 'woke' and believing your ideas are 'just common sense. Thankfully for him, he hadn't hit the later stages, so we have saved him from classic Conservative maladies like running for parliament, becoming prime minister and introducing emergency budgets."

Photo by Natanael Melchor on Unsplash