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I'd have got a great peace deal, says Trump at cage fight


'I don't blame my minions for failing to reach a deal in Islama-ma-ma-bad,' slurred President Trump from the centre of a psychotic crowd at a UFC cage fighting arena in Dimwit, Kentucky.


'Vance, Witkoff and Jared simply don't have my peaceful instincts and finely-tuned negotiating skills - like demanding things and then shouting threats when I'm denied them.


'I would have been there at the talks myself to pull off the world's greatest ever peace deal like you wouldn't believe, but I had to be here watching UFC bouts for an entire evening with thousands of other blood-thirsty morons.


'Besides, I couldn't go for religious reasons. They tell me they don't allow pigs in Pakistan, and I'm a total pig.'


Geoffrey Boycott to replace Imran Khan as Pakistani leader



The Pakistani government has made a controversial choice by choosing to elect outspoken former Yorkshire cricketer and grumpy old bugger, Geoffrey Boycott, as a replacement for outgoing Prime Minister, Imran Khan. Mr Khan's supporters are furious that he has been dropped and have taken to the streets, demanding action replays and use of the DRS.


Boycott has agreed to pad up and walk out to the crease and has promised to put Pakistan back on the world map.


"Khan was OK as a one day Prime Minister, or even a 20-20 leader but, on the big occasions, he needed to use his skills better and put in much more effort. He needed more games and not just on Sunday afternoons", he told our reporter.


He continued, "Khan has had a terrible innings. My grandmother could have done a better job than that."


Boycott is said to have already put together a Trophy Cabinet, his first eleven, which includes Wasim Akram, Waqar Younis, and Dickie Bird as Chancellor of the Exchequer.


Boycott's grandmother was unavailable for comment.




First published 13 April 2022



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