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In a little known clause within the peace deal brokered by the US President Donald Trump, Palestinians have been given the right to establish a new state near West Bromwich in the East Midlands of the UK. The area, roughly taking into account Walsall, Aldridge and pretty all of Sutton Coldfield to Leicester, has been offered in the agreement seemingly to the surprise of the UK Government.


“We’re trying to establish the exact nature of the agreement and the terms offer by Mr Trump”, said a flustered UK Prime Minister Sir Kier Starmer, “but at this stage it looks like a large part of the East Midlands will now be a separate Palestinian state, independent of the UK.”


It is thought that Mr Trump had reached a delicate part of the negotiations centring around the recognition of the right to statehood for Palestinians so he put a pin in a map and told the negotiating team, “there, you guys can have a state but it has to be there”. He was pointing almost directly at Tamworth, just off the M42.


It is unknown at this stage whether the largely Hamas run authority in Gaza and the West Bank have accepted the deal but reports are reaching us that heavy doubt is cast over the obligatory requirement to support UK Championship soccer club, West Bromwich Albion.




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An elite squad of cryptic crossword solvers has been recruited to police Britain’s growing menace: vicars and retired accountants hellbent on supporting proscribed organisation P_________n A____n.


‘Normally they’d be solving complex yet comfortingly non-violent murders’, a police spokesman told us. ‘You know the sort of thing – Oxbridge lecturer poisoned with curare, wealthy businessman dies inside locked room – proper puzzles.


‘We got through the first wave of terror supporters fairly easily: their banners just said “I support Palestine Action” so we knew we could arrest them. Then they started getting whimsical, with stuff like: “I don’t support Palestine Inaction” – we considered consulting a lawyer, but then thought: “fuck it” and arrested them anyway. I’ve never held with lady vicars’.


Now the evil pensioners have resorted to wordplay, forcing police to put numerous cosy murder mysteries on hold while they protect the public from the imminent threat of genocide-dislikers.


‘We don’t make the law’, the spokesman said, ‘we just enforce it. Selling weapons to a genocidal regime is perfectly legal and the sooner these cardboard-wielding fanatics realise that, the better. Bastards’.




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About 100 years too late, the UK has said it will recognise the State of Palestine, now that it is pretty much destroyed. Palestinians agreed that it was nice to be recognised, but it would have been nicer to be recognised while they were still alive.


The formal process involves handing over a treaty, unfortunately the UK can find lots of Palestian hands, but no actual arms connected to them. An aide of Sir Keir explained: 'This isn't the sort of thing you want to rush. It's much easier to give sufficient land to the Palestinians if the population is zero.' Said one diplomat. 'What's the State of Palestine? I'd say it was in a pretty bad state.'


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