Gaza devastated by Holly Willoughby’s exit

As news broke, violence erupted, with effigies of Phillip Schofield being burnt. Viewing figures plummeted, with the toll set to be in the thousands. While footage showed whole districts in rubble, with no proper access to ITV1.

Israeli and Palestinian authorities were united in their condemnation of TV producers for letting such a shining beacon for peace be extinguished. Said one combatant: ‘Holly brought stability to the region, with girlish grin and vacuous expression. Jew, Muslim, Christian – none of us want Ben Shephard.’

Joint sovereignty over Holly has been in place since 2010, but in reality, access to her bubbly persona has been fiercely contested by her husband and Ant Mcpartlin. The UN has been unequivocal in its support for fans of Holly – mainly middle-aged men, going through a difficult divorce.

image from pixabay

World feigns shock as wasps attack after 50yrs stick poking

.

International crisis averted by judicious use of flag emoji

Conflict in Israel ground to a halt, after at least thirteen social media accounts added a flag to their biography. This follows a similar success in ending the Ukraine war, with a sad face emoji followed by an eggplant.

Said one online warrior: 'Yeah I could've sent aide, volunteered or researched what the conflict was about, but I felt it was more appropriate to post emojis of popcorn and guns, with the East German flag - I couldn't find the right one - followed by hashtag 'awks'.'

Amnesty International has confirmed that the death toll would have been much lower if people had used TikTok. 'In these situations civilians don't need help, they need large flags projected onto buildings. Only then will we find peace, smiley face, smiley face.'