Palestine Action Man to be removed from shelves

This summer's hit new toy, Palestine Action Man, is being removed from sale across the UK following a Home Office ban.

The plastic figure was modelled on an Oxbridge arts graduate with a trust fund, called Tristan, and came with accessories such as:

- ornamental keffiyeh and pretentious nom de guerre (Abu Saladin)

- wire cutters, for breaking into air force bases to spray paint on planes (Black September would have blown them up)

- opposable thumbs, for posting anti-Israel tweets with rat emojis

- eagle-eyes, for reading articles by leading left wing journalist Owen Jones

Also banned is Palestine Action Woman, a stockbroker's daughter figure from Chalfont St Giles called Poppy, who the toymakers designed to stand outside the BBC in London every day dressed in combat fatigues and banging a drum.

"There'll be no Palestine Action Man and Palestine Action Woman dolls on our shelves," said the owner of a toyshop in Hampstead.

"That's because the ones we had in stock were snapped up immediately by all the terribly earnest Guardian-reading parents who live around here."

Image: ErikaWittlieb - Pixabay

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Israel finally solves Gaza’s obesity crisis

Providing hope for weight-watchers and genocidal maniacs everywhere, Benjamin Netanyahu has managed to reduce the average weight in Gaza to negative figures. Said a spokeswoman: ‘In the last few years the weight of Palestinians had sky-rocketed, but once you took the rubble off them, they were loads lighter.’

Coupled with preventing food aid, the Israeli government have been able to enforce a rigid detox diet – if you count bread and water as toxic. ‘Helping them to shift that Christmas weight, despite Christians being 1% of the population. And those who did not even know they were fat, have felt the pounds drop off – along with unwanted arms and legs.’

Those trapped in Gaza have been less than complimentary about the low carb diet they have been put on. Despite everyone now being the kind of thin only a 1990’s super model could dream over, many are demanding actual food. She said she was not disheartened by Palestinian complaints: ‘You can’t win with those guys. It’s always feast or famine.’

image from pixabay

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Putin and Netanyahu in secret talks about 'swapping wars'

Vladimir Putin and Benjamin Netanyahu are reported to be holding secret talks about formalising a treaty that will lead to each nation taking on the burden of war-fighting on behalf of the other.

This surprising development has had military analysts scratching their heads to determine why this would be seen as advantageous by both sides. Some facts have become clear.

The Russian war would benefit by having unlimited access to US military technology. The Israeli military have made sophisticated use of microchips, and this applied to Ukraine would give a much-needed edge on the battlefield. Furthermore the missiles that Israel can deploy are world-class, unlike the aged rockets of the Russian army.

In the middle east, the war against Hamas and the wider region would be more effective if waves of human cannon fodder could be thrown in to difficult situations with little chance of survival. Nuclear sabre rattling is expected to have a powerful effect on nations such as Iran and Eygypt. Areas of conquered territory, like Gaza, would be pacified by usual Russian methods. These include the issuing of Russian passports, the set-up of re-education camps for children, and the swamping of the area with anti-Islamic propaganda.

Talks appear to have stalled, however. Sticking points include the future role of the survivors of Ukraine's historic Jewish population, and the potential for Russia to declare part of the eastern Mediterranean Russian sovereign territory.

But the main problem appears to be that Trump does not like the idea, because it would make Putin's success in the war dependent on US support for Israel, and that is one of the things he knows he cannot control.

Image: Pixabay/apreklama