top of page
Search

Government running out of melodramatic analogies for future variants



Panic has set in at the highest levels of Government after it has become apparent they may have peaked too early with their overblown analogies for the spread of the Omicron covid variant.


After describing this newest outbreak as both a tidal wave and tsunami, essentially the same thing, they haven’t left themselves an awful lot of room when going completely over the top describing the remaining variants.


As Tom Gilbert, Minister for Overreaction, told us, “Omega should be the ultimate variant with descriptions to match. The Day After Tomorrow type event. Now, we’ve virtually done that with several variants still to go.”


With the Media relying on Whitehall for panic inducing headlines, it remains to be seen whether the Government can maintain hyperbole escalation for the next variant. Whatever their efforts though, the public knows it will just be Pi in the sky.



First published 29 Dec 2021


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
















Queen's covid response indicates the virus can jump species again



Her Majesty the Queen has said that her recent brush with covid left her tired, irritable and short on humour. 'It was like Philip had returned,' she said. Covid researchers have shown alarm at the Queen exhibiting symptoms as previously the virus transmission chain only included bats, humans, cats and dogs. 'If lizards can catch it, then we'll probably never stop it,' said one researcher today.


'We were initially concerned when Prime Minister Boris Johnson contracted the disease in the early days of the pandemic, we didn't think it could be passed to beings that were almost but not quite human forms, but then we thought "OK, it's only Boris, might do the country some good",' admitted a covid researcher today. 'So we weren't concerned at all in the end,' he added.


It is currently unknown if Jacob Rees-Mogg is capable of getting the disease. Now that blood temperature doesn't appear to be a barrier there is only the small issues of not requiring oxygen to function and the inability to cast a reflection to consider. 'To date, every person that we know to have caught covid has been known to cast a shadow, so perhaps he's going to be ok, unfortunately,' said a researcher.




First published 12 April 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?














Man sniffing in Middlesborough raises new pandemic fears



The man was sitting on a bench killing time before catching the 21A back to his home in the Raverston Park area of the town when he first sniffed. A passer-by witnessed the sniff and immediately called the government emergency telephone number 444, set up for members of the citizenry to mandatorily use should they come across an incidence of public symptomology. Failure to inform on a sniffer will result in dismissal from work and legal penology.


The sniffer –‘Sniffer X- has been compounded in an unrevealed location while men in hamzat suits extract fluids from his experimental physiology, pending a lab report on his worth and viability as a human, going forward. Meanwhile, residents of Middlesborough expressed their gratitude to power. ‘Thanks to the lightning speed reactions of the authorities, I can sleep safely in the knowledge that Sniffer X might be dead tomorrow. But I will be fine.’


Pandemics occur when foreign bodies enter the human immune system and disrupt its regular uninfiltrated system of non-sickness before being passed on to people you don’t care for anyway. The sniffer had apparently paid no heed to years of clear instruction on how to be a pure body of antiseptic conformity. Many are calling for his capital punishment. ‘He didn’t follow the rules,’ said a resident holding a baby. ‘He must pay the price.’


Meanwhile, Lidl is still open. ‘We have no plans to close until official ministerial diktat. Our eggs and milk remain on sale.’ KFC also moved to qualm public fears that there might be a forestallation in the breadcrumbs supply chain. ‘So far we are still covering both boned and breast chicken pieces in breadcrumbs and a secret recipe nobody actually gives a shit about,’ said a spokesman, suppressing a sniff.



bottom of page