China's "Clonehenge" forces ancient UK monument to close

"We just have to accept the forces of global competition," said a spokes-druid for English Heritage. "The UK has lost its lead to a country which can build ancient monuments better, faster and cheaper.

China's first "Clonehenge" - an exact replica of the complete Stones as they stood in 2,500 BCE, made from 3D printed authentic Stone Age-look cement, will go on display in Dubai over Christmas.

Others will be unveiled in the new year at Disney sites in California, Florida and Paris - available either in classic cerise or day-glow orange.

"We've seen bookings to visit the actual Stones plummet," lamented the English Heritage spokes-henge, "as people opt for imitation paleolithic pagan temples which are close to major airports and shopping malls.

"I can't blame them. Our own mysterious stone circle offering is way out in the wilds of Wiltshire and looks downright dilapidated.

"That's why we're accepting the inevitable, and liquidating Stonehenge. We'll be grinding down the pillars and lintels and selling them to China so it can make even more replica sacred circles for the modern age.

"Soon every country will have its own amazing megalithic tourist attraction," said an AI-bot for state-backed manufacturers Happy Joy Clonehenge Imitations.

"You won't have to walk through cowpats to reach our monuments, and you won't have to waste your time wondering who built them, or how, or why.

"They were knocked out in a factory in Fuchao within the space of a week to make us monumental loads of money."

image from pixabay

Louvre gang aims for first sub-four-minute robbery

The four-man gang who carried out the daring daylight raid on the Louvre say that, although the seven-minutes it took is a personal best, they are now aiming to shave at least one, two or even three minutes from their next job.

Gang member Gaston Leroi, not his real name, posted on social media: 'The sub-four-minute heist has long been the goal of museum and gallery thieves, ever since Roger Bannister broke the four-minute barrier in Oxford in 1954 with three stolen textbooks from Blackwell’s stuffed down his shorts.'

Police believe the thieves are likely to have retreated to their training ground deep in the French countryside, and are asking farmers to keep an eye on any outbuildings. The gang has said they are happy to undergo a drugs test to prove they did not use any performance enhancing substances during the Louvre raid. 'Thieves who do that are cheating,' Leroi added. 'It’s dishonest.'

Meanwhile, the truck that carried the mechanical ladder has received a €100 parking ticket and there is continuing disagreement over who will pay. The museum has scribbled ‘Sarkozy to cover’ on a note underneath one of the wipers.

Image credit: Benh LIEU SONG, Wikimedia Commons, licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0

Those stolen Louvre national treasures in full

'Mon Dieu!' wailed a curator from the Louvre. 'These jewels swiped from our museum were literally unique.

'Just think, these Philistines took Brigitte Bardot's cat flap. How can we ever replace a national treasure like that?

'And they stole Sir Stephen Fry - a British national treasure which was on loan to us from King Charles. They must have cut him up into pieces to get him through the Louvre window.

'Quel dommage! Such damage! They will probably end up being sold for scrap.'

Image credit: Benh LIEU SONG, Wikimedia Commons, licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0