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Parking spaces widened for obese vehicles

Writer: Wally Dug
Wally Dug
25 minutes ago

Vehicle parking spaces at Kendal's Westmorland Shopping Centre have been widened from the standard 2.4m wide to 2.6m wide.


This was needed because modern cars are suffering an obesity crisis and are much wider than older ones. For example, a classic Mini was just over 1.4 metres wide but the modern equivalent is almost 2 metres wide. This is an impressive example of middle-aged spread.


Despite the best efforts of green politicians, climate activists, and that old guy across the road who just won't shut up about it and who moans about it to anyone who happens to be passing his house, car manufacturers have done nothing to address the issue.


Motorists with wide cars should perhaps consider if they are themselves too wide. Maybe they should be giving the McDonald's drive-thru a wide berth?



Image credit: ChatGPT



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Government to save fuel by introducing "dogging from home"

Writer: apepper
apepper
Jul 29


Andy Burnham has announced a dogging from home initiative in an attempt to reduce fuel consumption.


Speaking to reporters Mr. Burnham said, 'With fuel prices spiralling ever upward this will save the average deviant somewhere in the region of two pounds-fifty per week. Once again we are going that extra mile to ensure doggers don't have to go even a single mile.


Ron Jenkins, a well known "outdoor pursuit enthusiast" has cautiously welcomed the idea. "I've had to drive for miles for my, er, hobby and I've also damaged my gear stick. That is not a euphemism.


Photo by Shooting Tyre on Unsplash



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Government to announce plan to help SUV drivers park their cars

Writer: ModelMaker
ModelMaker
Jun 2


In an audacious plan to revive his flagging popularity, the Prime Minister has announced that from tomorrow morning, all parent and child parking spaces, along with the ones allocated to the disabled, will become SUV only parking spaces.

We asked for clarification about the motivation for this move, but the civil servant we spoke to told us if we could ask her again in a few hours time, she'd be able to lets us know whether it was more than her job's worth to answer honestly. or if in a few hour's time, she was in receipt of her P45, she'd be keen to discover if her story was worth a few bob, or at least enough to be able to afford a bag of yellow-labelled pasta to feed her kids with.


Deirdrie Spigot, the civil servant we spoke to, who asked that we didn't reveal her name, but we felt obliged to when Rupert Murdoch expressed an interest in adding Newsbiscuit to his portfiloio, told us she thought is a bloody disgrace that she will now has to wheel her elderly mother from the far side of the supermarket car park to discover that her mother had forgotten what she wanted to go to the supermarket for, but enjoys shouting obscenities at people she suspects own SUVs told us she is hopeful the insanity of current government policy might end with the demise of the current leader, but is fearful of Insanity 2.0, Johnson is replaced with anyone from the cabinet.


Deirdrie's husband however, applauded the decision as the most sensible thing a government has ever done. "At last I can park my SUV in a parking space and be able to open the doors" he said.




First published 2 Jun 2022


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