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Government to save fuel by introducing "dogging from home"



Andy Burnham has announced a dogging from home initiative in an attempt to reduce fuel consumption.


Speaking to reporters Mr. Burnham said, 'With fuel prices spiralling ever upward this will save the average deviant somewhere in the region of two pounds-fifty per week. Once again we are going that extra mile to ensure doggers don't have to go even a single mile.


Ron Jenkins, a well known "outdoor pursuit enthusiast" has cautiously welcomed the idea. "I've had to drive for miles for my, er, hobby and I've also damaged my gear stick. That is not a euphemism.


Photo by Shooting Tyre on Unsplash



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Government to announce plan to help SUV drivers park their cars



In an audacious plan to revive his flagging popularity, the Prime Minister has announced that from tomorrow morning, all parent and child parking spaces, along with the ones allocated to the disabled, will become SUV only parking spaces.

We asked for clarification about the motivation for this move, but the civil servant we spoke to told us if we could ask her again in a few hours time, she'd be able to lets us know whether it was more than her job's worth to answer honestly. or if in a few hour's time, she was in receipt of her P45, she'd be keen to discover if her story was worth a few bob, or at least enough to be able to afford a bag of yellow-labelled pasta to feed her kids with.


Deirdrie Spigot, the civil servant we spoke to, who asked that we didn't reveal her name, but we felt obliged to when Rupert Murdoch expressed an interest in adding Newsbiscuit to his portfiloio, told us she thought is a bloody disgrace that she will now has to wheel her elderly mother from the far side of the supermarket car park to discover that her mother had forgotten what she wanted to go to the supermarket for, but enjoys shouting obscenities at people she suspects own SUVs told us she is hopeful the insanity of current government policy might end with the demise of the current leader, but is fearful of Insanity 2.0, Johnson is replaced with anyone from the cabinet.


Deirdrie's husband however, applauded the decision as the most sensible thing a government has ever done. "At last I can park my SUV in a parking space and be able to open the doors" he said.




First published 2 Jun 2022


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NCP Enters Administration After Parking in Its Own Car Park



NCP Enters Administration After Accidentally Parking in Its Own Car Park


Car park operator NCP has gone into administration this week after a travelling staff member accidentally parked in one of the company's sites in Central Manchester.


"I was travelling up north to attend a meeting about customer pricing strategies", said Matt Jones, the now out-of-work Analyst.


"I usually park in Tesco and use my meal deal receipt to validate my parking before I leave, but a wrong turn sent me up the one way ramp and through the barrier", he added.


The company's VW Polo, which is still stranded at the site, has now amassed fees roughly equivalent to the GDP of the Netherlands.


"Apparently Matt's still in the car", said the company's Chief Financial Officer, Mike Simms. "Once the fee exceeded his annual salary, we decided he should just wait it out and start a Go Fund Me page".


Plans are now underway to seal the car park in concrete and sell the land to local developers.


"Yes, we'll let Matt out first, obviously insisted Simms. "Provided he pays the location surcharge and out of hours barrier fee"


Author: Benjani



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