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Politicians to go on pay strike




The biggest trade union for politicians, the NBMU (National Bullshit Merchants Union), has announced that a ballot of its members has called for strike action over pay, claiming that many of them need second and third jobs, some as far away from home as the Caribbean, the Cayman Islands and Belize to make ends meet.


Purdey Shotte-Gunne, a shop steward for the NBMU, told Newsbiscuit that his colleagues frequently worked well into the night, propping up the Commons bars, where he said, the main business of parliament was conducted.


“People don’t realise how important the bars and restaurants are to running the country. Forget all the boring stuff that goes on in the Chamber which gets watched on the Parliament channel. That never changed a parliamentarian’s opinion. A knee in the bollocks after ten pints of Olde and Filthye does that.”


He went on to say that many times he’s longed to leave early enough to enjoy a horse meat lasagne with his children, like normal people do, but when there’s a late night sitting to vote on cutting Universal Credit, he has to make do with foie gras and prime rib in the Commons canteen. “It’s the little things like this that not only make the job a misery and why the subsidised restaurants are no compensation at all.”


Image: Pixabay/ChequeredLink

Clock change raises prospect of PM being sacked before they have been hired



There is concern in the Government that the upcoming British Summertime clock change could result in Prime Ministers being removed from office before they have officially started.


With the 30th October date close to the official new Tory Leadership announcement then any significant delay could cause acute embarrassment. Should the new PM be announced within the hour of the clocks being put back an hour, then if normal service continues and they are sacked around 30 minutes after being announced, they would technically have been dismissed from office before they actually started, a new low for the party's reputation.


"Yes, we know, and we are worried.", a backbencher told reporters today. "It's unlikely: our PMs are lasting a couple of hours currently on average before their support collapses, but the clock change could leave us in the 'Stephen Hawking' position. We're really trying to go for a unity candidate that can make it to just over an hour, then their time in office would at least be measurable."


Meanwhile Jacob-Rees Mogg's department confirmed they were considering the construction of a permanent lectern outside number 10 as the cost of having it continually wheeled out every few hours for the next resignation and then coronation speeches were eating into his government efficiency savings plan. "We said we would lower costs, and here's evidence we are delivering on that promise." said the department today as workman assembled a 'Törry Kayös' flat packed lectern picked up from the nearby IKEA.




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