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Man 'stable' after draining cooked pasta water down the sink



A Retford man is expected to make a full recovery, after accidentally draining his starchy cooked pasta water straight down the sink, instead of retaining it to mix in with his pasta sauce, it has been confirmed.


The incident occurred whilst Pete McBride, 45, was doing some 'theatre cooking', rustling up a cheeky penne with arrabiata sauce, for himself, his wife and two daughters, while they sat at the kitchen table.


'I don't know how it happened', confessed an upset McBride, after enduring a tense meal, punctuated only by quiet sobs from his 10-year-old daughter and complaints that the sauce was 'scarily bland' and just hadn't bound together at all.


'It was a schoolboy error', admitted McBride. It's basic advice in every pasta recipe in every cook book. I could hear Ainsley Harriet's chirpy tones stressing that 'You must keep a bit of starchy water as you drain the pasta sauce. You really must.' 


'It seemed to happen in slow motion', continued McBride. 'I just let it all drain down the sink in a colander.  I could see my wife's mouth drop in horror. I panicked and quickly tried to add a bit of cornflour into the pasta sauce, and a few capers, but the sauce started congealing and lumping up before my eyes. It was gut-wrenching.'


McBride has agreed to undertake a process of rehabilitation, including basic refresher training in how to place an empty pan under the colander to collect water, as well as watching repeats of every episode of Saturday Kitchen ever.



Image credit: Wix AI

Jesus might have used pasta to feed the 5,000, say experts




Biblical scholars have long debated the plausibility of Jesus feeding five thousand followers using only five loaves and two fish.


Jenny MacArthur is a biblical nutritionist. She had a really weird careers teacher. 'Even if those fish were massive it seems unlikely', she told reporters. 'This could be huge! If that story isn't true - what else might be wrong?'


The Vatican is undaunted.


'Jenny MacArthur smells', a spokesman told us. 'Besides, maybe Our Lord used pasta instead of loaves. One packet of pasta generally produces enough to feed a thousand people. We've all done it. You're eating pasta for ages because you misjudged it. Or rice. Nobody has ever attempted five packets of rice but it would probably feed the EU for a week.'


According to St Mark's gospel the leftovers were actually more than the food they started off with, which would suggest rice. The debate will probably rumble on for ages until everybody stops caring, or some doubting Thomas starts questioning the viability of healing leprosy with reiki.


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