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Hollywood buys up Starmer's "full due process" phrase for hitman movies


Seeing how Sir Keir Starmer and his fellow hitmen in Downing Street have killed off civil servants' careers while consistently saying they were following "full due process", Hollywood studios have bought the words to use in remakes of their most violent "pop-a-cap-in-his-ass" flicks.


"'Full due process' has become a death sentence for anyone in British politics who No. 10 decides to blame for the Mandelson fiasco," said a Hollywood spokes-mogul. "These words are chilling, even when a pettifogging lawyer like Starmer says them."


Here's a sneak preview of what the new films will be like:


PLP (Parliamentary Labour Party) Fiction


A gangster (Jules, played by Starmer) is on the verge of executing a terrified Sir Olly Robbins


"And I will execute great vengeance upon them with full due process; and they shall know that I am the Lord, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them."



Apocalypse Now (in the local elections)


A dazed Caption Marlow (played by Morgan McSweeney) has been dragged into a lunch with US generals and CIA goons


GENERAL: Find Kurtz and terminate him.


CIA GOON: Terminate with full due process.



Starmerface 


A treacherous civil servant (Sir Olly Robbins) is on his knees in front of Starmer and pleading for his life


STARMER: Manny! Ice that son of a bitch, with full due process.



"We're also thinking of making a new film about Jack the Ripper," continued the spokes-focus puller. "I bet he also went about finishing off his victims with 'full due process'."




Mandelson "just a political stunt", insists Prime Minister


Sir Keir Starmer has been resisting pressure for a parliamentary inquiry into his handling of the Mandelson affair by dismissing the former ambassador as "just a poltical stunt".


"This is games playing by the Conservatives," the PM's office told the media. "The Prime Minister has no intention of appearing before a Commons committee on account of a Machiavellian stunt like Peter."


Several cabinet minister still loyal to Starmer appeared on morning news programmes also to declare that the long-standing Labour grandee was, and always had been, a political stunt.


"This doesn't add up," said Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch.


"If the PM was aware that Mandelson was a complete stunt, then why did he appoint him US ambassador in the first place?"




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