Despite 12 million UK users, the infamous website was unable to find a single person who could recall using it. Explained a doctor. 'Amnesia can be caused by repeatedly beating the meat. Unrestricted bludgeoning of the beefsteak will create holes in your memory but, sadly, not in your internet search history.'
Too afraid to raise a hand in protest, particularly as their palms are hairy, the British public will have to focus on cold showers. Said one user, who wished to remain anonymous, but we’ll call Meter Pandleson: 'I’ve a friend who had to resort to this service, since their favourite island shut down. Losing Pornhub will be another blow, and it’s bad enough that they can no longer call themselves the Duke of York.'
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In a bold move following the sacking of controversial politician Peter Mandelson, the UK has decided to court further controversy by appointing Russell Brand as UK Ambassador to the US.
A spokesman told us that all the appropriate checks had been made and that Brand had assured them that there were no skeletons in his closet. In fact, the appointment was seen by the UK Government as quite the coup as they see him having a number of the same interests as President Trump as well as similar public health concerns as US Health Secretary, Robert F Kennedy.
"I am beyond delighted that such a proud and engorged bestowment has materialised when old Russ though his number was up!" said Brand in a press conference this morning. He continued, "I am very much looking forward to getting down to it with Donny and the lads. I'm sure we'll have a right old tear up down in Marry Lago, or whatever it's called, and no mistaking." His gaze was then distracted by US Press Secretary, Katherine Leavitt, making the rest of the press conference a somewhat uncomfortable experience.
Mr Brand will be taking up the "posty-wost" with immediate effect.
image from google Gemini