Motorists fear Taliban takeover of petrol stations when army withdraw

As if they haven’t suffered enough in the past few days, UK motorists are now voicing fears that the Taliban will take over petrol stations as soon as the Army withdraw from delivering petrol.

“It is all well and good bringing in the Army but what is the exit strategy? At the moment, it looks like there isn’t one which leaves the door wide open for the Taliban,” said a spokesperson for the Institute of Advanced Panicking. “The lessons haven’t been learnt from Afghanistan.”

The Institute is calling on the Army to evacuate any motorist filling up their car or queueing to do so, as well as petrol station staff, as soon as they have supplied a station with petrol.

“I am really worried now,” one driver queuing for petrol told reporters. “If the Taliban take over the petrol stations then where will I get my daily Ginster pasty or cheap wilting flowers for the wife on the way home from work on our anniversary. It is a real threat to the British way of life.”

Image: Pixabay/Skitterphoto

"I'm not panic buying, I'm filling up while I can" says panic buyer

A motorist queueing to fill his already three quarters full tank has slammed panic buyers, while insisting he is simply taking the sensible precaution of filling up while he can, because of all the panic buying.

"With all of this panic buying going on I don't know when my local fuel station will have diesel again, so thought I should top up now." said Wayne Riley, without a trace of irony.

"Sure I'm not planning on doing any long journeys, I work from home, have Tesco deliver my shopping and travel an average of fifteen miles per week, but you never know do you?" continued Riley, who is definitely not one of these selfish people needlessly rushing out to buy fuel.

"It really knocks your faith in humanity when you see how everybody is just 'me, me, me' at the first sign of a problem." he concluded, while filling a third jerry can and putting it in the boot alongside the hundred toilet rolls that are still there from last spring.

Image: Unsplash/Jakob Rosen

PM blames expanding universe for empty supermarket shelves and petrol shortage

Boris Johnson has denied that Brexit or the coronavirus are to blame for shortages in supermarkets and at petrol stations, instead he said it was due to the universe expanding.

“Look folks, he's just following the science,” a spokesperson for the PM said. “Boris knows that the universe is expanding at an estimated rate of 82.4 kilometres per second per megaparsec, which, as he has pointed out numerous times to everyone, means that everything in it is gradually moving further apart.

“Boris has concluded that while there is exactly the same amount of goods on supermarket shelves than before Brexit or the pandemic, the gaps between them have got bigger which makes it look like the shelves are empty.”

The Prime Minister has been able to use his dubious grasp of scientific facts, which first emerged during his handling of the coronavirus pandemic, to explain the current petrol crisis.

“Boris would like everyone to know that there is plenty of petrol at the refineries", continued the spokesperson, "but it is obviously taking us longer to get it to the pumps, as, once again thanks to our old friend the ever expanding universe, they are now further away from each other - quod erat demonstrandum!”

The spokesperson added that it also meant that there was an increase in demand from drivers as they were having to drive further to reach destinations.

“So, there you have it,” Johnson's spokesperson said. “All down to science, ergo not Boris's fault or due to piss poor planning by his government.”

When asked to comment on the Prime Minister’s remarks, Sir Patrick Vallance, the government’s chief scientific adviser, is said to have replied with a strange kind of quiet sobbing noise.

Image: Pixabay/geralt