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PM blames expanding universe for empty supermarket shelves and petrol shortage

Boris Johnson has denied that Brexit or the coronavirus are to blame for shortages in supermarkets and at petrol stations, instead he said it was due to the universe expanding.

“Look folks, he's just following the science,” a spokesperson for the PM said. “Boris knows that the universe is expanding at an estimated rate of 82.4 kilometres per second per megaparsec, which, as he has pointed out numerous times to everyone, means that everything in it is gradually moving further apart.

“Boris has concluded that while there is exactly the same amount of goods on supermarket shelves than before Brexit or the pandemic, the gaps between them have got bigger which makes it look like the shelves are empty.”

The Prime Minister has been able to use his dubious grasp of scientific facts, which first emerged during his handling of the coronavirus pandemic, to explain the current petrol crisis.

“Boris would like everyone to know that there is plenty of petrol at the refineries", continued the spokesperson, "but it is obviously taking us longer to get it to the pumps, as, once again thanks to our old friend the ever expanding universe, they are now further away from each other - quod erat demonstrandum!”

The spokesperson added that it also meant that there was an increase in demand from drivers as they were having to drive further to reach destinations.

“So, there you have it,” Johnson's spokesperson said. “All down to science, ergo not Boris's fault or due to piss poor planning by his government.”

When asked to comment on the Prime Minister’s remarks, Sir Patrick Vallance, the government’s chief scientific adviser, is said to have replied with a strange kind of quiet sobbing noise.


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