Pie left in vehicle overnight

Despite a window sticker declaring otherwise, a driver’s lovely steak and ale pie was left in his vehicle overnight and has now been stolen.

A strange sense of foreboding overwhelmed joiner Daz as he approached his van first thing in the morning. Something was wrong. The pie.

Daz confessed: “I knew it immediately, against my better instincts I’d left a pie in the vehicle overnight instead of taking it indoors. And now it’s gone.

“As a rule I never leave pastry-based food items in the van. They’re a magnet for hungry chancers, I have a ‘No pies left in this vehicle overnight’ passive-aggressive notice in the window informing opportunists to jog on. I thought I’d get away with it by hiding the steak and ale treat under a stack of valuable power tools, what a fool!

At the scene Detective Frank Higson, commented: “I’ve been working patisserie on this patch for thirty years. It’s a situation I encounter all too frequently. A workman stops at the bakery on the way home, gets an extra pie and leaves it in the van for a pre-breakfast breakfast. Come the morning, it’s gone. The gangs responsible are organised and use a sophisticated setup of sniffer drunks after closing time. Those pissheads can pinpoint a pie in pig shit in the middle of a pyramid.

“Joiner Daz’s pie will be a thousand miles away by now, deconstructed and sold for parts. The case and crust will be split to form the bases of dozens of hor d’oeuvre and amuse bouche hits, scored in the shadowy, cobbled backstreets of middle-class, Tuscan villages.

“The meat? That will be dried and ground into a fine powder, and snorted by hedonistic businessmen as an aphrodisiac in the plush penthouse suites of opulent far east hotels.

“And the rich dark jus? My guess; right now it’s being seductively licked off the heaving bosom of a high-class hooker on the lip of a crystal blue infinity pool on an oligarch’s billion dollar luxury yacht… or, the thief scoffed it on the spot.”

Joiner Daz, deflatedly added: “Well, at least there’s still a couple of mini scotch eggs in the exhaust pipe… what? Oh, great!”

Image: Johannes Hofmann (@quicksand) | Unsplash Photo Community

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 25 Nov 2023

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American Pi

'If those goddamn interfering Euroland bureaucrat busybodies can change the inch to 25.4mm exactly, just to make their sums a bit easier, then we in the free world - i.e., not in the republic of Eurolandshire - can do the same.

'As from tomorrow, Pi in America will be 3.142 - precisely.  No ifs, no buts.  No more of this never-ending number of decimal places or 'irrational number' bollosck.  Irrational numbers are just that - irrational. Which means 'lacking usual or normal mental clarity or coherence' and 'not endowed with reason or understanding'.  We're going to fix that.

'The next thing we'll sort out is Plank's constant.  At 6.62607015 × 10-34 m2 kg / s, it's so small, it's not worth bothering with, and anyway it's metric, so it's got to be rubbish.  So we'll just abolish it, and save a ton of money.  No, not a tonne, just a good, straight ton.  Of US dollars, obviously.

'But e is a bit bigger - a more sensible size.  It just needs tidying up a bit.  2.718 should work just fine.  (Who the Hell is Euler?  Another goddamn foreigner from Europland?  You might want e to have a different value, but that's just Europinion.  We in America believe in democracy, i.e., doing whatever democratically-elected I - decide.)

'But the biggest and greatest, of course, will be the Golden Ratio, which I have decided will bea nice, round 1.6180 exactly.  Well, until I change my mind again.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Missing shepherd and huge pie puts wife under suspicion

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