Missing Village Idiot tipped to be next PM

The sleepy village of Chims on Lea Shropshire, has issued an urgent appeal following the sudden disappearance of its resident village idiot. Brian Dempsey, Chair of The Parish Council said: ‘We’re quite worried, as Liz is nowhere to be seen. One minute, as per usual, she was sitting on a wall with a straw in her mouth, pointing at the aeroplanes mumbling about cheese quotas and squawking like a demented crow, next thing we hear a rumour she’s up in that there London, talking about politics.

‘It’s a worry as she’s a simple soul but completely unsuited to anything other than stamp collecting or raffia work. If anyone knows her whereabouts please let us know immediately.’ Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Tory Party commented. ‘I think Liz has the credentials to make a fist of turning the party’s fortunes around.

‘She’s innocuous, dizzy, rather slow on the uptake and as thick as two short planks. With any luck she’ll turn out to be a rabid racist too and when this is incontrovertibly proven, then our ancient and reactionary octogenarian membership is sure to install her as the next PM.’

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Researchers use Tory leadership contest to launch funding bids

As the battle for who will become the next Prime Minister got under way, researchers have been taking notes on what the individual candidates have been using to pitch their bids, as this may have an impact on the likelihood of continued, or cuts in funding. On discovering that every hopeful MP is entirely bereft of ideas and has been copying each other to the letter with promises of tax cuts, researchers have taken the opportunity to come up with a raft of stories for the MPs to use to assist their campaigns.

One such story is that alcohol is far more harmful to health than previously known; and claims that the mere smell of alcohol is sufficient to stunt the growth of children, shorten the lives of University age adults by up to 80 years and render 30-year old people with severe disabilities to a lifetime on benefits. The only age group that appears to benefit from alcohol is the over 40 one, but with the caveat that they restrict themselves to drinking Phyllosan tonic wine.

Whilst these notions are being eagerly examined by the prospective PM teams, MPs whose constituencies are home to breweries are more sceptical. "It's utter nonsense" said the MP of a red wall town. "I had a one-legged constituent who was struggling after being deemed perfectly fit for work and having his benefits cut, but all he needed was a bit of targeted help and alcohol provided the opportunity to find it. I put him in touch with one of my donors who owns a brewery and who immediately saw the potential in putting him in charge of the hops."

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