Sue Gray report to focus on occasions where there were no parties at Number 10

Sue Gray has announced that her report is into lockdown parties at 10 Downing Street is going to be considerably shorter than expected, as she has decided just to report the times where there was no piss ups.

'Looks it is going to be a lot easier doing it this way, isn't it?' said Gray . 'We can focus on the exceptions rather than the general rule. The times when the PM was seemingly sat at his desk, getting on with the job in hand and sticking to lockdown laws. It'll save me loads of time, and the taxpayer millions in paper costs'.

The single page report, scheduled to be published later this week is thought to be titled '18th November, 11am- 12 noon', although Gray admitted that this may still change, if new evidence comes to light.

Image: PixabayPublic DomainPictures

Johnson insistent that he needs to read War and Peace before acting on Ukraine

A No. 10 spokesbeing has told our reporter that far from inaction over the war in Ukraine, the Prime Minister is intent on studying War and Peace in order to discover the steps that need to be taken for how the war could become peace.

All four volumes are apparently awaiting collection from the Post office after a civil servant refused to accept them as they were addressed to the Prime Minister, a post the civil servant said was a figment of a twisted imagination.

When asked when the PM intends to start reading War and Peace, the aide said "I wouldn't hold your breath, he intends to start it immediately after he's finished A la recherche du temps perdu, a novel Rupert Murdoch told him he should read, but he's stuck on page 3 at the moment, wondering where the tits are.

Leaked medical records reveal Boris Johnson has rare speech impediment

Doubts have been raised today over whether Boris Johnson is the most perfidious Prime Minister ever to rule Britain after medical records reveal he has an inability to pronounce "mis".

Dixie Rect, Professor of Linguistics from the University of Texas told our reporter "This is a terribly distressing condition for a politician to have. Imagine you wanted to tell a nation it has a world-misleading government but were unable to say mis, or "I mistook him to be a man of honour" when describing say, a cabinet minister friend who turned out to be a crook."

She went on to say "People suffering from speech impediments like these tend to spend so much time focusing on their defect, they forget to do simple things such as brushing their hair, or getting undressed before going to bed, with the consequence that when they appear to have slept in their suit, they probably have.

News of this unfortunate speech imperfection appears to have led to an immediate improvement in the PMs poll ratings.

Image: Unsplash/Annie Spratt