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The Andrew Files - what the police have found so far


The Andrew Files


Friday 12th April

Met with Prince Sultan Emir bin-Whatsit as you requested. My God, these girls of his are real camels - couldn't take my eyes off their toes and front humps! Nyuk-nyuk!


Saturday November 3rd

One thing people don't realise about trade envoy work is that it's all in hot countries. I have no natural way of cooling myself, so I need to be sponged down several times a day. And all the spongeuses are from a local school just for this ancient art. Lovely little things who can get in to every one of my crevices. Lucky girls!


Tuesday 22nd August

Damn, Jeff. The bloody Range Rover wouldn't start this morning. The security officer said it was something about 'out of fuel', or empty, or something. Any chance you could get the man from Grosvenor Motors to deliver a new one without this problem? Later this morning would be good.


Wednesday 17th June

Oh, what will I do with Sarah? She's due to go to a polo gathering, and now she tells me she's only got 35 dresses to choose from! Apparently one is a little bit stained, and another one has traces of white dust of some sort, and then ... Really, it's like she only keeps them on for a few minutes before feeling she has to whip them off again.


Monday 2nd December

These damned corgis of Mama's. One of them was getting frisky with my teddy, Mr. Bunnylumps. I soon sent him packing. Had to give one of the peasant servants she keeps employing a right good bollocking about letting dogs in to my chambers. Only certain kinds of bitches there - right!



New police reality show tells it like it is


If you only watch one police fly-on-the-wall documentary this spring, then WATCH THIS ONE.


The show takes you BEHIND THE SCENES at the Met, revealing the highs and lows of police procedure, played out before your very eyes. It’s a real eye opener. Eye watering, even.


The shows camera teams received, exclusive, unfettered and unfiltered access to police work behind the scenes. Finally, you get to see beyond the car chases, the sirens, the fights, the smashed in doors and the mass taserings. Only the legally dodgy bits are redacted. This is the REAL DEAL.  


Watch it TONIGHT - ‘Real Secrets Of 24 Hours Of Extreme Police Paperwork’. Only on Channel 5. You’ll be amazed what you can do with a sharpened pencil.



Image credit: perchance.org

Met Police defend policy of nicknaming, not prosecuting officers



The Metropolitan Police have defended the practice of giving police officers criminal nicknames rather than investigating their alleged offences.


‘Nobody could have known that Wayne "The Rapist" Couzens was a wrong’un’, said a spokesman, known to colleagues as “Useless Jim”.


‘Likewise David "Bastard Dave" Carrick, who has just been convicted of 27 rapes. If only we’d been given a clue. Anything, really. I suppose, in hindsight, multiple official complaints might have given Hercule Poirot or Sherlock Holmes something to go on, but they’re fictional detectives. If we had to investigate every officer with a funny nickname and a string of complaints we’d never have the time to issue people with crime numbers for their insurance’.


A group of PCs with the nicknames "Openly Racist", "Knuckles", "Oops where did all that evidence go", "Brown Envelope Backhander", "Brutality" and "Gone Mad" began spontaneously kettling passers by and thumping their truncheons into their hands, before refusing to comment on the grounds that it might incriminate them.


Victims of police crime have been advised not to make a fuss in case they are charged with "wasting police violence", which is punishable by sentences up to and including sudden death.





First published 17 Jan 2023


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