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Addressing the nation the beleaguered PM insisted that he was popular, we just haven't got to know him yet. His failures help to challenge us in a healthy and necessary way. Friendship, after all, cannot flourish unless one party bravely endures the other without encouragement. One day we will thank him for staying.


The seismic collapse of the Labour vote is proof positive that his vision is working. His spokeswoman explained, 'Voters have a wonderfully strong reaction to Sir Keir, we just need to make it a positive one.' There are signs that he is winning people over…certainly their tight smiles and evasive body language show they have learnt a great deal—probably about resilience.


'If you think you hate him now, wait until you get to know him.'



Image credit: NB archive


Robert Jenrick: Robot Janitor printed out a statement from his shiny metal ass:


Greetings fleshy humans. I am Robert Jenrick: Robot Janitor and I'm going to need your clothes, your boots and your far right partiy leaderships. I'm taking out the trash, the trash being the Conservative Party.


I'm what happens if you take a pasty generic white man and exponentially increase both the whiteness and the pastyness. Is my face slightly too moist? I'll never tell.


In my lust for glory, I will be painting over Nigel Farage. Yes, I'm making plans, I'm only making plans for Nigel. Let's just say that I might sweep the floor so clean it's dangerously slippery, but I forget to put out a 'Danger' sign up. That's the kind of killer instinct of the man who lost a leadership contest to Kemi 'Charisma' Badenoch.


Reform the Tories? Reform are the Tories

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