King's speech to feature unprecedented honesty

Panic is rising in Westminster as it has become clear that the forthcoming King's speech will break with tradition and tell it how it is.

The monarch is normally expected to read out a text which has been agreed beforehand by civil servants and the royal staff.

But this year Charles has let it be known that he wants to deliver a more truthful assessment of the state of politics in his Kingdom.

A leaked excerpt from the speech reads:

'I wish to apologise to you, my subjects, that my governments, over the past few years, have fallen short of the standard expected by the British people. You deserve better. The highest positions of power in the country have been occupied by fools, corrupt chancers, narcissists and foreign agents. And those were the sane ones.'

Keir Starmer is reported to be asking for political asylum in China.

And Donald Trump has posted that he wants to Make England Great Again, or 'MEGA'. But not, he emphasised, by regaining its colonies in America. Maybe by invading Ireland, where they mostly speak English, so it would just be like Russia's special military operation in Ukraine.

Image credit: perchance.org

Russia offers to head up foreign interference enquiry

The Russian foreign minister Sergey Lavrov has offered Russian help in the announced enquiry into foreign interference.

'It is a terrible thing if a Sovereign State's business is interfered in,' he said today, 'and it looks like the UK might have UK politicians involved. You won't know who to trust, so it's best to let an independent country run your investigation.  We in Russia will be happy to help, we'll look at all the evidence available about your politicians, in fact we might even look at your copies too, and we'll identify who is most likely to be compromised,' he added.  'We can complete that part of the enquiry by six pm, if that helps,' he noted.

Senior current and former British politicians including Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson have welcomed the enquiry and urged the government to hand over the job to Russia.  'We know the Russians well,' said spokespeople for both politicians.  'Very well, indeed.'

image from pixabay

Reform receive enough bricks in the post to build a new HQ

The limited company masquerading as a political party, Reform UK, have announced an interesting side effect of their latest marketing campaign; enough bricks sent back via their freepost envelope to build an entirely new headquarters.

At a press conference, head of recruitment Jack Boots elaborated on the plan, telling reporters, 'It's been a great success. We expected to get people's personal information so that we could sell it on for profit to supportive media like the Daily Telegraph, or to any flag manufacturers. However, what's actually happened is people sending us building materials like bricks, gravel, and concrete. Once we'd sorted those from the glitter and potential anthrax, we found we've got enough for an office near Tufton Street, saving on journeys to receive our orders, I mean requests from ordinary hard-working alarm-clock Britons. We've had clearance to build on a brownfield site, and already had a surge of volunteers eager to help. To be fair, some had got confused over what brownfield meant, and we did have to refer a few of the people who misunderstood to the Police.'

Showing attendees plans for the new edifice, Boots explained the goal behind the aesthetic. 'It's harking back to classic London,' he remarked, 'but with modern provisions. We've added a direct tunnel to the Savoy to avoid embarrassing moments where Nigel's been caught walking to restaurants for an oyster lunch rather than being in Westminster to do mundane things like work or vote on behalf of his constituents. Also, while we've tried to keep a Georgian look, the building is made with modern regulations in mind. We were struggling with insulation, but we're able to fill the cavity wall with wattle and daub because as well as the bricks, we've received enough excrement in the post to make that possible.'

Image credit: Stable Diffusion