Politics a load of old goat's c*ck, confess Conservative politicians

Running the country is utter pants. So say the last five prime ministers.

'I thought it was going to be constant corruption, endless hobnobbing at exclusive balls, and a festival of sick sexual perversions,' said a recent former prime minister everyone has already forgotten the name of. No, not that one, the other one. 'But it was only about 93% that, and then there was other boring stuff which kept cropping up. National emergencies aren't really my bag,' added another talentless moron who also shirked their leadership responsibilities.'

'Frankly, this governmenting lark gets tedious after a few days. And pesky investigative journalists keep pointing out that you're not supposed to keep all the trappings of high office for yourself. Where's the chortle with chums in that?'

'Look, the bit where you get to dick about with the laws, that's a snigger and everything. But then some total square comes along in his silly judge wig and says that you're not allowed to break all of the laws you just made up. When did that become a thing?'

'I tell you, that Sir Keir Starmer Labour chappy is a crafty one. He sort of makes out like he wants to be PM, but he is so clever at ensuring there's no chance he'll get anywhere near the job. We're naffing stuck with it forever now, and no one in the Conservative Party wants to do it properly. Shall we just shut down the whole show and all move to Greece?'

What's the German for coup d'état?

Politicians to go on pay strike

The biggest trade union for politicians, the NBMU (National Bullshit Merchants Union), has announced that a ballot of its members has called for strike action over pay, claiming that many of them need second and third jobs, some as far away from home as the Caribbean, the Cayman Islands and Belize to make ends meet.

Purdey Shotte-Gunne, a shop steward for the NBMU, told Newsbiscuit that his colleagues frequently worked well into the night, propping up the Commons bars, where he said, the main business of parliament was conducted.

“People don’t realise how important the bars and restaurants are to running the country. Forget all the boring stuff that goes on in the Chamber which gets watched on the Parliament channel. That never changed a parliamentarian’s opinion. A knee in the bollocks after ten pints of Olde and Filthye does that.”

He went on to say that many times he’s longed to leave early enough to enjoy a horse meat lasagne with his children, like normal people do, but when there’s a late night sitting to vote on cutting Universal Credit, he has to make do with foie gras and prime rib in the Commons canteen. “It’s the little things like this that not only make the job a misery and why the subsidised restaurants are no compensation at all.”

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